The Razor's Edge

Snake-bit by movie choice

“Don't do it!” that inner voice screamed.

Since moving to the Mat-Su Valley from Colorado in early June, I've tried to spend my off time productively. If not bopping around enjoying the natural beauty of Alaska, I've been pursuing one of my other passions - movies.

Actually, good movies. Most film fans know the three uncontested laws of movie-making:

€ Special effects, while cool, never compensate for good writing.

€ Sean Connery is still the quintessential Bond.

€ Nobody takes an on-screen beating like Ralph Macchio.

I've rekindled my love of movies over the past couple of months, renting just about every DVD at Blockbuster. Having ripped through the new releases, I've perused some lesser-known, high-quality work I haven't seen in years, which leads me to ponder: is there a bigger dufuss than someone alone in the wilderness spontaneously proclaiming, “I'm Spartacus!?”

Every trip to the video store saw me walk past that darn film. We all have it, the one movie that, for some reason, your eye is continually drawn to but you resist because you know you won't like it. It's a burden all movie-lovers share, and I'm ashamed to admit I finally gave in and rented mine. It's embarrassing to admit, but this past weekend I watched “Snakes on a Plane.”

Why didn't I listen to that inner voice?

What finally caught me was Samuel L. Jackson. Overall, I'm a fan and generally like his movies, so I gave Sammy the benefit of the doubt.

“Snakes on a Plane” makes “Dumb and Dumber” seem intellectual. Who came up with this premise, anyway? A couple of frat boys half hung-over would be my guess.

“Duuuuuude! Let's put something scary on something!” says Tweedledum.

“Awesome!” Tweedledee responds. “How ‘bout ants on a farm?”

“Nah, has to be scary, bud,” Tweedledum says.

“Oh! I know,” Tweedledee says. “Eels on a space shuttle!”

I didn't trust my instincts and wasted nearly two hours of my life because I couldn't resist the lure. What is it about snakes and bad choices? First was Eve and the apple, now this movie and I. All the computer-generated snakes leaping at people, sinking their fangs into faces, arms, legs - even the buttocks of a large rapper. And, of course, Jackson's tagline (he has one in every flick): “I'm tired of these [bleepedy bleep] snakes on this [beepedy bleep] plane!”

A far cry from his excellent work in “Pulp Fiction.”

If this is all it takes to be a success in Hollywood, sign me up. I can come up with ideas more original and every bit as entertaining as “Snakes on a Plane.” I give you the:

Razor's Edge Top 10

Ideas Rejected Before “Snakes on a Plane”

10. Buffalo on a boat.

9. Badgers on bicycles.

8. Muskrats in a mine.

7. Parrots on a porch.

6. Dolphins in a swimming pool.

5. Squirrels on the subway.

4. Guinea pigs in an amusement park.

3. Leeches in a bathtub.

2. Scorpions in a sandbox.

1. Monkeys on motorcycles

It's going to take something spectacular to get over this cinematic disaster. Thank goodness that for every 100 “Snakes on a Plane” we have a “Ben Hur,” “The Godfather,” 󈫼 Angry Men,” “Forrest Gump” and “Field of Dreams.”