Aug. 5, 2007

Spectrum: Darin Markwardt

“Knock, knock.” Boss: Come in

Worker: Good morning sir, how are ...

Boss: What's the news?

Worker: Great news sir! The ballots are in and 75 percent of those voting want local power generation!

Boss: Ha! I knew it! The people want a coal plant!

Worker: Well, sir, not really ...

Boss: What do mean “not really!” Matanuska Electric Association voters have spoken - they want coal!

Worker: Well, sir, the people simply voted about whether MEA should stay with Chugach Electric or become independent. Coal really wasn't on the ballot.

Boss: Son, you're a little slow.

Worker: Sir?

Boss: Son, those ballot results say whatever I want them to say. Just because we “encouraged ...”

Worker: “Manipulated.”

Boss: Whatever. Just because we manipulated a certain result does not mean that we shouldn't take full advantage of those lovely results.

Worker: By lying?

Boss: By expounding upon a fact or two.

Worker: Ah.

Boss: For example, I'll bet we didn't even get 25 percent of MEA members to vote.

Worker: No sir, only 23 percent responded.

Boss: So, out of the 23 percent who responded, 75 percent want local power?

Worker: Yep.

Boss: So that's a 4-1 margin of victory?

Worker: Yes sir.

Boss: Make it 5-1.

Worker: Isn't that lying sir?

Boss: Not if we say, “By nearly a 5-1 margin.”

Worker: How mathematic.

Boss: I think so.

Worker: So, when I proclaim the “nearly 5-1 victory,” should I send out a press release stating that a majority ...

Boss: Call it a mandate.

Worker: Excuse me?

Boss: Don't just call it a majority. Call it a mandate. Say that we have a mandate from a clear, overwhelming majority of the people.

Worker: Well sir, a mandate is actually when a majority of the people vote a certain way - in a real election.

Boss: A “real election?”

Worker: Well sir, you can hardly call our election real. We sent out a ballot with two options. One was obviously the good choice and the other was obviously bad. And then you told them how to vote in the accompanying newsletter.

Boss: I don't apologize for that, son! I'm a man of the people. I simply broke down the message so that the good people didn't have to trouble themselves with all that thinkin' and wonderin'.

Worker: How thoughtful.

Boss: And that‘s why I also shot that TV commercial. It alleviated the mental suffering of thousands of voters.

Worker: You're all heart, sir.

Boss: And that part about California regulations, what a success!

Worker: Yes sir, you really threw out that California label. But you did neglect to mention how those regulations would actually hurt Alaska.

Boss: Yep. It was a stroke of genius. Say that name of a hated state - then move on.

Worker: But sir, don't you think that it was a bit shady to tell people how to vote on your own ballot?

Boss: (sighs) Son?

Worker: Yes sir?

Boss: Did we win?

Worker: Um, I guess sir. We got the result that we bought, er, wanted.

Boss: Then is there anything else you need from me?

Worker: Just one more thing sir. It seems that we have a bit of a public relations issue.

Boss: Oh?

Worker: Yes sir, it seems that 56 percent of the Valley does not like the way MEA conducts business.

Boss: Now where did you get a number like that?

Worker: It was a scientific poll conducted by the Borough ...

Boss: There you go again with the science! When are you gonna learn that science is in the eye of the beholder?

Worker: Um ...

Boss: How many people did the Borough get for this little poll?

Worker: 407.

Boss: 407? You're telling me that 407 people got polled and I should care?

Worker: Well sir, like I said, it was scientific poll, which means it used the same methods that all nationwide polls ...

Boss: Son!

Worker: Yes sir.

Boss: How many votes did we get?

Worker: 7,000.

Boss: How many people were in the Borough-wide poll?

Worker: About 400.

Boss: So we have 7,000 and they have a few hundred. We have more, they have less.

Worker: Well sir, unlike our vote, they're poll wasn't manipulative. It actually represented the true feelings of a majority of the Valley residents ...

Boss: Son. We have two numbers: 7000 and 400. Which one is more?

Worker: 7,000, sir.

Boss: And what does that give us?

Worker: A mandate for coal, sir.

Boss: You're learning, son. Now leave my office. I've got Usibelli on line 3.