Queen of hearts

WASILLA -- Dakari Ralph’s heart seemed to leap in her chest.

Nine excruciating hours in a Seattle Children’s Hospital waiting room ended when her daughter’s surgeon came through the doors shaking his head.

That momentary burst of adrenaline and fear was quickly replaced with overwhelming relief when Ralph realized the doctor was conveying his disbelief at how well her infant daughter had handled reconstructive heart surgery. Six months earlier, little Rejoice and her twin brother Liam joined the Ralph family as Dakari and husband, David, Ralph’s fourth and fifth children.

Rejoice was born with Down syndrome and a two-chamber heart that pumped backwards for the first nine months of her life. But it was this day in July 2007, when her tiny heart was repaired, that lingers as one of Dakari’s best memories of being a mom.

She recalls thinking her daughter’s “whole life will be changed today,” Dakari says. “Wow. This is a huge defining moment for Rejoice. Her physical heart won’t be holding her back anymore.”

It’s Mother’s Day.

Like many families, the Ralph clan will do what it can to honor Dakari. They’ll cook and clean (whether the food’s edible or the cleaning up to mom’s standards may be debatable) and try to make mom queen for the day. Which is apropos, as for the other days of the year it’s the matriarch of this busy, on-the-go brood who typically is not only queen, but court jester, maid, cook, butler, chauffeur, counselor and teacher.

A stay-at-home mom who homeschools, Dakari usually starts her day around 4 or 5 a.m. With five children, including one with special needs, even a simple trip to a local park is an almost military-like exercise in precision planning and organization. She arrives Wednesday afternoon at Nunley Park in Wasilla, using the time she has made for this newspaper interview as an opportunity for outdoor playtime.

Marcus, almost 16, and the oldest of the Ralph children, carries a large sack of toys and chases 7-year-old Teagan around the park while 2-year-old Liam toddles after, throwing his bright green stocking cap to the ground (a move he would repeat many times). Natassja, just shy of 11, helps mom and takes Rejoice to the swings.

Dakari breaks into a bundle of healthy snacks she prepared for the children earlier in the morning.

“I knew when I woke up I wouldn’t have time to make something later, so I put this together this morning,” she says, adding that what seems like an abundance of energy and organization to onlookers is simply her mom defense mechanism.

“You kind-of gotta be on your toes or you get run over,” she says. “You got to be a mom on purpose and with a purpose. Are you just going to have kids, or are you going to raise them? A lot of people have kids, but it takes a lot of energy to raise them.”

A former teacher, Ralph said she doesn’t regret her decision for her to be a stay-at-home mom, which sometimes isn’t easy. Raising a family of seven on a teacher’s salary �” David teaches fourth grade at Meadow Lakes Elementary School �” isn’t easy, and Dakari jokes she and David “do a date about every three years. It’s called creative financing. We keep things as simple as we can, and when something cool comes in the door you really appreciate it.

“We can’t always just run out and buy the newest, coolest video games, but if it means you get to have a hot breakfast every morning and mom’s home, do you really mind?”

Dakari’s family now isn’t what she grew up with. A self-described latchkey kid, she remembers coming home from school, letting herself into the house and waiting for a parent to come home. She always knew she wanted a large family.

“I used to work. I had a job in downtown Seattle and took the bus back and forth. At home, the kids have more fun being home with me. I just have so much more fun watching the light bulbs turn on in these guys’ heads.”

The Ralph children are intelligent, well-mannered and articulate. And yet, they’re every bit the kids they are. They have friends whose parents are divorced and who don’t have stay-at-home parents. Although they may not always tell her, they say they appreciate their mom.

“Mom’s someone you can relate to, the kind of person who will help you out when you’re down,” Marcus says.

Even when he’s caught up in being almost 16 and his parents are never right about anything, “In the back of your mind you know she’s right, even though you don’t want to admit it,” he says. “She’s like your guardian angel.”

Teagan, 7, scrunches his face (minus several of his front teeth) when asked about his mother. The first thing that comes to mind is a scolding for acting up the evening before.

‘I get on my bunk bed, and I get on top of my top bunk bed and get my laser sword and bonk on the ceiling and say, ‘Mom, come tuck me in,’” he explains.

With the twins, Rejoice’s needs and shuttling Marcus and Natassja to their many activities, Dakari says she tries to make sure Teagan doesn’t feel overlooked as the middle child. Those efforts haven’t gone unnoticed.

“Pretty much her favorite thing to do is, when kids are playing [at the Ralph home], sometimes she bakes cookies and she delightly comes out and gives them to us,” Teagan explained.

Nearly 11, Natassja sometimes seems to want to be mother also, but says her family is lucky to have a mom like Dakari.

“I think she’s great,” Natassja says. “I’m just blessed with the mom that she is. There are other kids out there, they don’t even have moms. My mom’s really creative and she takes up her time for us. I love my mom. My mom works hard, and I’m glad I was born into her family and she made her choices so I could be with her.”

Having a child with Down syndrome has changed the Ralphs, Dakari says. Since the 20th week of her pregnancy, she and David knew one of the twins would have the condition and that there was no guarantee either of the twins would survive birth. It hasn’t been easy, but Rejoice has had a profound impact on every member the family.

Since his sister’s birth, Marcus has observed the challenges she faces and has channeled his energy into helping others, including those with disabilities, Dakari says. He wanted to help teach those with special needs to ski. Problem was, he didn’t know himself, so he took lessons. He started a peer-to-peer math-tutoring program at his school, Mat-Su Career and Technical High School, and teaches a Lego robotics class at the Residential Treatment Center in Palmer. His efforts won Marcus the 2007 Prudential Spirit of Community Award for Alaska.

Marcus admits he wasn’t as community-minded before learning first-hand about living with someone with special needs.

“I just saw [Rejoice] was special needs and I saw how much help that’s needed,” Marcus says. “Most of my volunteer work is with the disabled. It’s shown me how many empty spaces you could fill just by looking for them.”

Watching the emergence of her son’s efforts fills Dakari with pride. She notices “the transference of heart, the care. It’s pretty neat to see. Natassja’s right behind him. I’m very proud of him.”

Although Dakari says she’s “very humbled” to be singled out as a good mom for Mother’s Day, she says it doesn’t work without two committed parents.

“We’re so blessed. I adore my husband,” she says. “He works so hard for us and he trusts that I’ll take care of what I need to take care of. Granted, mom doesn’t clock out.”

As much as Dakari says she adores her husband, David reciprocates.

“She’s a fabulous mom,” he says. “She has gone through a lot having five kids. Our twins are testimony to that. She’s always thought children are an absolute gift. If it wasn’t for her positive attitude, we’d all have broken down. We only cried when she cried. As mothers go, she’s a fabulous example.”

She also doesn’t think it’s sexist or demeaning to be a stay-at-home parent, although there are times she craves more adult interaction.

“We’re made different, men and women,” she says. “I can’t expect from him what I expect of myself. I do have several very dear girlfriends I would love to sit and have a cup of tea with and let my brain shut down for a little while, though.”

In many ways, Dakari’s story is one to which most moms can relate. If she doesn’t keep up with laundry (at a clip of about two loads a day), it piles up to a marathon Saturday laundry session, and the family can go through about four gallons of milk a week. As mom, how she handles the day-to-day tasks of raising kids, educating them and running the household, Dakari says one can either choose to be positive or negative.

“I’m pickled in the glass that is half full,” she says. “We are blessed. It’s a struggle, it’s exhausting, at times you get pushed to the point you’re just in tears, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.”

Dakari has no expectations for Mother’s Day, and her wishes are simple.

“If the kids make me a card or if my husband, bless his heart, gets a card from the store, that for me is huge,” she said.

She’ll get more than that, David promises.

“She always cooks and cleans, and we all have our jobs and try to help out,” he says. “On Mother’s Day, what we try to do is relieve her of those things that are just pressing. If we can do that and she can sleep in, that would be it. She never makes any requests. We’re going to cook and clean and make her feel like a queen for the day.”

It’s enough to make a mom’s heart leap in her chest.

Contact Greg Johnson at 352-2268 or greg.johnson@frontiersman.com.