Answer to ‘why does she stay?’ is many-layered

When we see a news story or are aware of a personal incident of domestic violence, we often ask ourselves “why does she stay in that relationship?”

To individuals not aware of the dynamics of domestic violence relationships, this may be the most puzzling. We say to ourselves, “I would never put up with such treatment.” And so we expect that no other sane, normal, reasonable person would either.

One way of explaining the behavior of victims of domestic violence is by looking at the cycle of abuse model. This model says that as conflict and tension grow, what will follow will be some type of “explosion” that may take the form of emotional or physical abuse. Following the explosion, the perpetrator may apologize (“it will never happen again”). Or, make a blaming apology such as, “I wouldn’t have to yell/hit/hurt you if you weren’t such a drunk/liar/slob.” The second type obviously makes the abuse the victim’s fault. During this time, called the honeymoon period, things may be relatively calm, but most victims will tell you that they feel like they are walking on eggshells.

In this model we talk about the feelings the victim is experiencing: fear, denial, hope and love. The victim is likely afraid for her physical safety, but may also be thinking of the other threats made by the perpetrator, such as “I will kill myself,” “I will take the kids,” or “I will hurt members of your family.” The victim may use denial to convince herself that the abuse isn’t really that bad; she can deal with it. Most victims hope that change will occur, that he won’t do it again and that the violence and abuse will stop. Some victims talk about the love they have for their perpetrators and that they want him to be the way he was when they first met.

Jill Davies, an attorney who works in the area of victim advocacy, writes extensively in the 1998 book “Safety Planning with Battered Women” what factors victims must consider in leaving their abusive partners. “First, battered women’s risk analyses include a consideration of more risks than physical violence. Second, women’s lives are not necessarily made better or safer by leaving the relationship.”

Davies identifies seven factors that perpetrators generate or manipulate in order to maintain control over their victims. The first factor is risk of physical harm, which does not necessarily decrease when a woman leaves her abusive partner. Some studies show that violence increases after a victim leaves. Psychological risk may also continue after a victim leaves, especially if they have children together. Many perpetrators will engage in stalking behaviors increasing the fear that their victims are experiencing. The third factor is the children. Victims consider the harm their children are experiencing being exposed to a batterer. She may fear that if she leaves he will get custody of the children as he has threatened. How can she protect her children if she is not with them? Some victims may fear raising children on their own or may believe a bad father is better than no father.

The fourth factor is financial considerations. Part of a perpetrator’s control over a victim may include not allowing her to have access to money or a job. For a victim, considering where she could live and how she could support herself and her children are very immediate survival concerns.

Family and friends may also be a consideration. The victim must think about the possibility he follows through on threats and hurts another person. Family and friends may have become less involved with the victim as the perpetrator has worked to isolate her from her support group. Or, friends and family may put pressure on her to stay, to work it out and to make things better.

Friends and family may also have grown tired of the couple’s problems and no longer want any part of it. They may have “rescued” the victim numerous times only to have her go back to him again.

The sixth factor is the relationship and how the victim may perceive the loss of her partner. She may fear being alone or lonely or never finding another person to love her. Divorce may be a family, religious or cultural stigma that she is unable to face.

The last factor is consideration of arrest. His arrest could result in loss of family income, embarrassment or an escalation of violence due to retaliation. She must also consider her own arrest if she has engaged in criminal activity (such as drug use) with him. Victims may be arrested for self-defending violence or acts of retaliation.

Davies also discusses six “life-generated risks” as elements of a victim’s life that she may have little control over.

First is a financial concern in which a victim needs to be aware of what limitations are present, such as loss of having a telephone, loss of medical benefits or loss of transportation. Second is where does the woman live and what challenges does that present for resources, housing or public transportation. Some victims experience physical disabilities and the perpetrator had been their “caregiver.”

In addition to all the other factors that are being considered, how to manage while having a disability may be too much for some victims.

The fourth risk area is mental illness. Again, if a victim struggles with mental health issues, this may compound the other life areas, such as ability to work or live independently.

The fifth risk area is inadequate responses from major social institutions. She may have sought help previously only to be turned away, or she may carry a belief that the system will not help her.

The last area is discrimination based on race, ethnicity, gender or sexual preference. If a victim has preciously experienced discrimination based on one of these descriptions, she may be reluctant to seek help as she expects a negative outcome.

In looking at the incredible amount of hurdles in a victim’s life that may prevent her from leaving, it can become more amazing to think about how any woman and her children make their escape. Things that can help women overcome these hurdles are community advocacy. Legal advocates can help victims seek protective orders through the court and information about accessing resources to transition to a new life. Shelter programs offer a safe environment for women and children to consider their options and make realistic plans for a transition. A community that supports victims and recognizes the incredible challenges to leaving can also reduce many of the risk factors.

Rather than asking, “What’s wrong with you? Why do you put up with that?” we as a community should ask instead, “What happened to you that staying in the violent relationship is the answer and what can we do to help?”

Judy Gette teaches psychology classes at Mat-Su College with a specialty in the area of victimization.