Blotter

Field sobriety test

On March 24,Troopers in Delta Junction received an eyewitness report about someone getting all Dukes of Hazard in a Subaru. The car crossed over the road driving at an excessive speed, hit a ditch, smashed through a farmer’s fence, before finally stopping about 30 yards into a field, according to the report. When Troopers arrived, the Delta Junction resident was trying to get their car out of the snow. She failed (literal) field sobriety tests and was later charged with for DUI and all other things that come along with getting way too crazy behind the wheel.

Strange things

Troopers in Kodiak got a report of a paving company’s vehicles getting vandalized. The vehicles were in a gated area around mile 13 of the Chiniak Highway, according to the report. Someone (or something?) had broken windows in 10 different vehicles. This is how it all starts. Next thing you know whatever was breaking these windows has moved on to your house. Now it’s inside! It’s here in this room! OH GOD IT’S EATING ME ALIVE! Why didn’t we listen to the old hermit in the woods!? We’re open to other theories as well.

Too many cucumbers

A Ketchikan resident was summoned by Wildlife Troopers for harvesting too many sea cucumbers during a commercial sea cucumber fishery, according to the report. While sea cucumbers can be used in various food dishes, they also supposedly have medicinal properties. Maybe one of the medicinal properties is erectile disfunction and he had a hot date planned. We’ll let the First Judicial District Court in Ketchikan get to the bottom of that.

Taxicab Gun-fessionals

On March, 25 a taxi driver in Fairbanks told Troopers he was robbed at gunpoint. The driver said he picked up a passenger in their early 30s. Once the driver got the passenger to their destination, instead of a tip, he got a gun pulled on him. The passenger allegedly pressed a gun to the driver’s head while another male left a nearby parked vehicle. The two thieves stole the guy’s money, cell phone and dash cam. The two thieves got in their vehicle and drove away. If you know anything about this, you can hit up Troopers at 451-5100.

RIP Rico

On March 26, Troopers tried to stop a Subaru Legacy for a moving violation in Wasilla. The driver apparently failed to yield and was driving over the speed limit. The report says after about 45 minutes, spike strips got the better of the driver, who left the vehicle and tried to escape. A Trooper K9 was sent after him, but the man pulled out a handgun and shot the animal. Troopers returned fire and hit the suspect, who eventually died. He had two active arrest warrants out of Anchorage. Unfortunately the K9 officer, named Rico, didn’t make it.