Homeless youth and homelessness

He walked right by me and out the door. I followed him outside. He stepped around the corner. I invited him to stay for a meal. He turned around and simply said, “I’m OK.”

I told him there was plenty of food. MY House was hosting a Thanksgiving dinner.

“I need a cigarette,” he responded.

“I can’t help you with that,” I replied.

He continued to walk away. I wanted to talk with him. I hadn’t seen or heard from him for at least a month.

“Hey, we are serving food until 5,” I called after him.

He turned his head and replied, “I’ll think about it.”

Earlier that day, he was on one of our work computers, when I walked into the MY House drop-in center. I said, “Hey, Tim (not his real name) how is your uncle?”

The last time he made contact with us was a phone call. He wanted to know if we could give his uncle a ride to the emergency room. I told him I was sorry. If it was his health emergency, I could provide him with a ride (we provide clients with rides to mental, physical health appointments, job interviews and DMV visits). I added, if it was truly an emergency, he should call 911. He was polite and said he understood.

When I inquired at the center, he said his uncle was better, but had some continued health issues. Unfortunately, I didn’t stop to talk more. Now, I regret that choice.

Lately, I have been, for lack of a better term, “security” at MY House. I keep an eye and ear out for behavior that does not meet our expectations. That can be behavior in the drop-in center (language, youth seeking handouts or lack of table manners during ‘Supper Club’) and especially in the parking lot. Out there my mantra is, “This is not a hangout, so what’s up?”

I missed my chance with Tim that day. I really didn’t give him a chance to engage with me. I was on a mission. But, I forgot about our true mission: building relationships. It is important to keep the lid on things security-wise, yet an opportunity was missed, I didn’t just take a minute to ask, “So how is it really going?”

I know how to draw people out, to use phrases like, “tell me more”, or “and?” if I get a standard answer like “I’m okay” and I’m seeking more insight into their life circumstances. Again, with that particular youth, at that moment, I blew it and blew him off. Maybe that’s why he didn’t stay for dinner. He didn’t feel welcome?

Now, I could have said all the right things and used all the engaging language techniques. But even that is no guarantee it would have worked. Yet, I wouldn’t have known one way or another. So, I don’t know what Tim is up to these days. On the other hand, I do have youth coming directly up to me and asking if we can have a private conversation. In those cases, we move behind a closed door or step outside. And, those conversations, with males are about “sex, drugs, and rock n roll.” Mostly the first two.

As far as Tim was concerned, I knew he lived in a homeless camp this past summer. He had been at Covenant House in Anchorage before that, but it didn’t work out for him. After the homeless camps were disbanded, he told me he was living in his family van in the driveway. He didn’t get along with his stepdad, so he stayed clear. Also, there was some talk about him laying low due to problems with other homeless youth. I didn’t press him about that. But, maybe that was just talk? And, then the phone call asking for that ride for his uncle. Tim may have been staying there? Now, a month later, he was at MY House. I do know it does take some homeless youth six to a dozen visits before they really engage. Maybe, we are almost there with Tim? But, he didn’t return that day.

I hope and look forward to getting another chance at listening to Tim. It will be a delicate balance the next time I see him. I don’t want to jump into his stuff and push him away by giving him advice. But, I will be honest with him. I will remind him MY House is here, if he wants something different and it will be his choice. With it being his choice, change is on his side. One question we use at MY House with all homeless youth is, “How can we help you help yourself?” We always have to keep in mind, homeless youth are not the problem, but homelessness is.

Michael P. Carson is the Vice President of MY House.