Relinquishing a child a brave act of love

When growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, the media projected one idealized version of family reflected in the shows “Father Knows Best” and “Leave it to Beaver.”

Two parents, two kids, a dog and a house with a garage and closely cropped lawn was the norm in suburbia. As a young person, I lived a version of this ideal, plus nine more siblings of which I’m the eldest. I never imagined, though, that in my adult life a set of circumstances would present another version of family that I’d never seen portrayed by anyone, including the media. Open adoption.

In the mid 1990s, I was blessed to support a friend who discovered she was “with child.” She chose adoption. In the decision-making process around adoption options (closed or open) we discussed the need for transparency with all, including the birth mother, the child, the adopting parents and extended family. Our thinking was that open adoption would allow for so many beautiful and practical outcomes. With the appropriate medical and emotional supports, the child could experience more love and enhance the idealized “Ozzie and Harriet” scenario to include three loving and competent adults. The birth mother, plus a set of parents, instant brothers and sisters, and a loving extended family would create a circle of intergenerational love.

The birth mom’s thinking was that a closed adoption may not provide the same level of support needed to build healthy relationships. There may be the question of genetic predispositions that remain secret in a closed adoption, too. Open adoption could sort-of be a “coming out of the closet” and into the light, if you will, in many ways. The question of choosing “closed” or “open,” though, is dependent upon the comfort of all involved. No judgment.

Rigorous legal and selection processes ensued when searching for an adopting couple, including studying portfolios and interviewing prospective parents, a heroic effort by the birth mom during a most fragile and vulnerable time.

I was just beginning volunteering in spiritual care at Providence Alaska Medical Center at the time of the child’s birth. At one point, after the newborn was passed through perinatal intensive care, the adopting parents and I stood holding hands in a circle around the birth mom, whose arms were wrapped around the infant resting peacefully on her chest. We prayed in thanks and for God’s guidance for the journey to come. In all of my time on the planet and after one year of volunteering, I’d never experienced the intensity of God’s presence as we did during that prayer. I recall literally feeling enveloped in warmth and light, a strong bond with the glue being not only God the Father’s presence, but his encouragement, too. “Father Knows Best” took on a new meaning.

During the pregnancy and through the initial years of the young child’s life, I stayed close to the birth mom. A sensitivity I’d acquired over the years was recognizing the power of words and language and how they reflect values and behavior. A phrase I’d heard frequently when some judged the motives of birth moms in general was framed as a question: “How could she give it up?” The meaning was really, “She must be heartless or not care.”

First of all, anytime I hear a living being referred to as an “it” it’s as if a bucket of cold water has been thrown in my face. Am I mincing language? Being too rhetorical? Sensitive?

There’s a sense of sharing that happens in open adoption that gets misrepresented with the phrase “giving it up.” This is partly supported by definitions. To relinquish is to yield ownership and giving it up is about a complete separation and disconnect. Yielding does not exclude further involvement. The intent to be inclusive with open adoption is what really matters here, though.

Secondly, relinquishing a child to a loving home is the ultimate act of bravery and love.

The child has grown into a beautiful young woman. The adoptive family, like all families, has overcome some challenging times. One of many healthy outcomes is the consistent give and take I’ve witnessed between the birth mother and the, now, young lady. The birth mom is a significant role model for her daughter and retains a healthy relationship with the adoptive parents. All have worked at it.

Maybe we should give it up and adopt “relinquish” to describe a birth mother’s decision in the adoption process. Maybe, too, it’s time to let our language guide the adoption of a new, enhanced “Ozzie and Harriet” cultural ideal of family and let the grass grow greener and higher.

Paul Maguire is a Palmer resident and former professor at the University of Alaska Anchorage. He is the facilitator of the Center for Creating Peaceful Neighborhoods, and advocates for eliminating bullying and fully including all people in community.