A husband isn’t meant to be his wife’s master

In support of what Mr. Ron Hamman read in the Bible, it is true that the Bible says women are to submit to their husbands. In Ephesians 5:22-24 it reads: “22. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

Even 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 supports the same concept: “4. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but yields it to her husband.”

So yes, ladies, we are supposed to give it up.

Yet Hamman is no advocate for the true word of God in shamelessly distorting what God really says about yielding.

While I personally agree sex is a very important part of a relationship and should not be used as a tool by either party, but enjoyed freely between spouses as the gift God clearly intended it to be (demonstrated by his very design of our bodies), Ephesians 5:22-24 does not say men have a carte blanche to having their way whenever they want however they manage to obtain it, without consideration to their own obligation to Christ first and therefore also to their wives.

Submission is mutual submission, and is in direct keeping with how we also submit ourselves to Christ. In living for Christ, you cannot demand one without offering up the other. There is no picking and choosing what we want to apply in our lives from the Bible out of convenience or selfish desire, while disregarding and disrespecting the rest of God’s word. The goal in pleasing God is to strive daily in applying all of the Bible into our lives and ourselves, or it may as well be nothing.

1 Corinthians 7:5 goes on to say: “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

This was a suggestion to preserve and protect marriages from infidelities, in recognizing that there would be times where sex might not be taking place. But this is not a “do it or else” mandate. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:6, “I say this as a concession, not a command.”

This is just a wise bit of proactive advice.

Beware, though, those who seek infidelity as a justifiable response to perceived rejection in the bedroom. Infidelity is grounds for a biblical divorce, and no pastor can deny that, not even Hamman.

Interestingly, 1 Corinthians 7:4 also says, “In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” So this can work both ways, too, people. There are men who withhold sex as punishment and cruelty to a desirous wife, but that is another topic for another day.

Hamman refers to the book of Deuteronomy: “One witness shall not rise up against a man for any iniquity, or for any sin, in any sin that he sinneth: at the mouth of two witnesses, or at the mouth of three witnesses, shall the matter be established.”

How shall there be witnesses to marital rape or any marital abuse, for that matter? It is the unseen enemy, lest the abusive spouse will no longer have his forum. In particular, how does this passage of Deuteronomy really apply to the marital bed? How could there be such an instance of witnesses?

This passage is intended as a general way for society to resolve conflict and was not intended to be twisted to make violating women permissible.

It is no wonder that Hamman has never had any woman make such an allegation against her husband to him. In Hamman’s bold presentations of his thought processes, how could any woman feel safe or protected, or stand a chance of being believed? In fact, a maltreating spouse being defended (as such is the case with Hamman’s own expressions) inevitably results in an increase of the original problem or worse toward the wife.

If Hammond is a truly after God’s own heart, he will retract his column in realization of his grave error. In promoting spousal rape he is violating the very commandments that God gave in saying, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.”

To maintain otherwise, Hammond is an enabler to angry and controlling men and is encouraging the concepts of ownership, entitlement and abuse, which will only aid to further distort and destroy the sanctity of marriage the way God designed it to be, as well as creating generational curses and patterns that will be passed on down the family lineage.

Christ was not violent nor was he disrespectful. In us not submitting to him, he did not, nor does not, use control, manipulation, threats of punishment or affairs, intimidation or physical force to promote our yielding. Nor does he inflict or impose any other ungodly behavior to force us into submission to get what he feels he deserves, even though we are supposed to submit to him in everything but do not.

Instead, he loves us in spite of ourselves, and he forgives us — over and over and over again.

More importantly, in spite of how we are toward Christ, he loved us so much anyway that he endured intense humiliation for our benefits and he took a brutal death to spare us. How much greater can any love be? It cannot.

Ephesians 5:25-27 describes the husband to wife relationship the way Abba himself models his love for all of us: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”

While it is understood (because God said it, so therefore it is) that wives are to submit, wifely submission does not mean wives are to allow routine maltreatment from their husbands. While God expects wives to respect their husbands in their applicable roles (husband, father, provider, etc.) just as they respect the Lord, he also understands and expects there to be healthy boundaries if a husband is not treating his wife according to God’s commandments and is not fulfilling his obligations in loving his wife as Christ loves the church. If a husband is maltreating her, it will be difficult for the wife to have the desire to “fully” submit to him as the church is supposed to submit to Christ. Who is turned on by disrespect, demeaning behavior, insensitivity, uncaring and cruelty?

This fact is reiterated again in 1 Peter 3:7: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the (physically) weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

Paul explains more about sacrificial love in Philippians 2:3-4: “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

This is the most basic principal in loving.

Quoting Hamman: “Now, it is one thing for those who reject Christ to be out of line with God’s word, it is quite another for those who call themselves Christians. It is without a doubt that those who reject Christ will hate what the Bible says. But those who call themselves Christians should love his commandments, and in the gospel of John we read, ‘If ye love me, keep my commandments.’”

This would also include the specific instruction in how God imparts a man to treat his wife, as loving husband, protector and leader. Where in Hamman’s column is it displayed that God’s commandments are honored in how a man should love and respect his wife? Or to respect women at all?

What Hamman is avoiding accountability on is a husband’s obligation to Christ in his behavior toward his wife. In fact, the Bible reiterates it over and over in light of the magnitude of its importance. If husbands are living in alignment with what the Bible clearly states, that in itself will promote good will in a man’s wife. Honoring one’s wife, cherishing, respecting, loving sacrificially; that alone can be a great aphrodisiac for the wife. Rest assured, men!

Change your hearts, men, and your minds. Strive to be the man God created you to be and commanded you to be. Come to have Christ in you the way God purposed you to, live it out and let that pour out on your wife and the all-around benefits will be amazing!

A heart of Christ toward a wife goes a long way in the bedroom (or kitchen, or living room, or bathroom, etc.)

Supporting male entitlement, denying, minimizing and enabling any form of spousal rape or abuse — to more properly use another general Biblical reference of Hamman — “this is wickedness, and such is a violation of the spirit of marriage.”

At least the way God designed it to be.

A husband was never meant to be a wife’s master. He was meant to be her spiritual leader. If a husband is not submitting first to Christ, then he already is not fulfilling his Godly duty. The purpose of marriage has much less to do with the man and his spouse than it does with how that marriage glorifies Christ. And if the husband is not submitting to Christ, in the process of which the husband is not loving his wife as Christ loves the church, then the husband is not obeying him. The point is not forcing your wife. The point is Christ. If a man’s relationship with Christ is not right, then his relationship with his wife will not be where God wants it.

To borrow Hamman’s words again, “this is the condition of many supposed Christians today. The ideas they live by and advance are wholly their own rather than being drawn from the wellspring of God’s word … rather than of the counsels of heaven. But the day will come when their reproof will be from God himself.”

Wendy (Becker) Shaw is a Christian mother who lives in Wasilla.