A Modest Proposal -- revisited …

A Spectrum, by Myrl Thompson

A modest proposal for preventing tipped employees in Alaska from being a burden to the employer or country and for making them beneficial to the public:

All surely agree that those people that bring you your food and drink are the epitome of greed. Far worse are they, than the bad rap that has been pinned on our beloved CEOs. I heard they believe that they are entitled to be paid twice! Once by our dear business owners and again by the very public they serve. It is a scandal no doubt. I am assured by our merchants that even the most highly trained servants are worth no more than a dollar or two an hour. That with the head tax they charge our poor patrons adds up to highway robbery. In my opinion that tipping thing needs to be outlawed too. The way things are you almost feel obligated to give them money, almost pressured to pay them their extortion.

Why cant those tipped ones be more like our esteemed political leaders, the true servants of the people. How dare that bunch of waiters try to compare our senator and representatives' salary and per diem to their own wages and tips. The next thing you know they will be wanting health care for themselves and their families. Everybody can't have health care, and they always say they are too busy to get sick anyway.

My proposal is to rectify the ongoing problem facing our victimized merchants. I'm quite sure that it wouldn't take but a few of our merchants to get in contact with a few of our politicians. Possibly wine and dine them or something. Let them see for themselves how these waitresses act. No doubt they will notice our dire straight and be inspired to make a law either eliminating pay altogether or at least drastically cutting it. Be aware also, that if those people keep getting paid twice; they are more apt to be seen in public, trailed no doubt by a string of children. With the extra money, they will no doubt be filling our shops and generally getting in the way of the middle class shoppers. By cutting their wages, we will be able to keep them off the streets and act more obedient to their masters. But more importantly, the financial relief it will grant to our battered and drained restaurateurs is rivaled only by tax loopholes. But to be safe let us do both tax loopholes and the proposed wage cut.

A truly wonderful scheme just came to me the other day, after much thought I must confess. If there where only some way that the some of our merchants could form a fraternity of the like-minded, from the industry, then we could use that platform to raise the very money we need to fight the tipped people of Alaska. Political contributions are not cheap my dear friends. And I am quite sure that our dues alone would never buy us enough influence. Here is my idea. If our fraternity could just charge each and every waiter, say $35 every few years for some type of training we would have many times the money we need to do our bidding. The true beauty of this particular scheme may not be noticeable at first. Think of it from this angle, there are literally thousands of tipped people in Alaska. Now instead of just the dues from a relatively few establishments we have many thousands each year from the very people we are going after. I say, now that's a win/win situation.

Alas, I am just one citizen and I know there is little I can do in relief of our poor, threatened merchants. The only real hope is a possible waiter exclusion law. Be careful not to name it as such, a gentle sounding name would be easier to digest or at least swallow. I do hope that one or two of our illustrious senators step forward and lead the charge against the hopes and dreams of the tipped ones. If we continue to let them have their way, we will all have to pay. They surely wont stop there either. Think of the possibility of what could happen if we don't act soon. I tell you, wait staff will soon expect automatic pay increases, as if they were senators themselves. People need to understand that this is the new Alaska, and it is not necessary to make as much as your parents did 20-some years ago. You no longer need that high-paying job to get ahead. If our senators come through, there will be plenty of $2-an-hour jobs, take two or three each if you want to get ahead.

Where are those most ethical and respected political leaders now that our merchants have been brought to their knees? Who will lead the way to the financial freedom of our abused restaurateurs? Step forward mighty sword, the law need only be made. Reveal yourself o' champion of the humble businessmen.

Note: Any connection to J. Swifts "a Modest Propsal," of 1729 is purely not coincidental.

Myrl Thompson is a Wasilla resident.