Alaska's winter driving rules vary

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

I'm learning some new things about winter driving in Alaska. Driving, like language, has myriad local dialects. I've lived in many places, and there has always been something of a learning curve where driving was concerned. In upstate New York, I learned that it was not polite to attempt to drive any faster than 15 mph below the speed limit. In northern Nevada, I learned that tailgating is just a nice way to get know the folks in front of you. In New Mexico I learned that the use of turn signals are a sign of weakness.

An interesting thing about driving in Alaska is that there are two sets of rules -- winter rules and summer rules. Summer rules are pretty much like every place else, with a few exceptions. An example of an Alaska summer exception is that four-way stops are more about debate opportunities than about traffic control. A newcomer might notice that it is impolite to pull through a four-way stop intersection until someone else pulls up to, and stops at, one of the other signs. Even if you have to wait 10 minutes for that to happen, you should wait. When a person does arrive at one of the other signs, it's not polite to just pull right on through. You should wait until the other driver pulls up to the sign and stops. After a time, he or she will put both hands in the air as if to ask, "Well, are you going to go, or not?" At that point, you should smile and attempt to waive the other motorist through. He'll shake his head and waive you through. Then you can hunch your shoulders up and down a few times as if to say, "OK. Suit yourself." Then you can pull through. The last signal the other motorist will give you as you pass is not suitable for publication here.

Alaska winter rules are very different than many other places. The first thing I noticed is that winter parking patterns are very different than summer ones. In many places, when there is snow actually on the ground, people park kind of funny, because they can't see the lines. In Alaska, the freestyle parking technique applies all winter, whether the lines are visible or not. Once it has snowed, you may park anywhere in a parking lot you like, pointing any direction you like until April 30. You see it all winter. Cars are taking up two and three spaces, some cars are pointing up the aisle and some are pointing down. A few are right in the middle of the aisle, not pointing any way in particular. Last week I came across a Ford Expedition parked in front of the chestnuts in the Carrs produce section. The owner even had the audacity to ask the bagger to carry the groceries. When they got there, the produce manager had built a nice display of tangelos on the hood.

Another winter rule is simply titled, "Road Conditions Be Damned." The evening of the first decent snow this year I was headed home from work. Before I headed out onto the Palmer-Wasilla Highway. I tapped my breaks a few times and jerked the wheel right and left to see just how slick it was. It was pretty slick. I know it's not too manly to check the road conditions, but I hate driving into a ditch after a long day at work.

Anyway, all the way down the highway some guy was driving so close to my rear bumper his breath was fogging up my windshield. He followed me all the way home, and kept swerving out to the left to see if he could pass me. He couldn't. I was driving 55, which is the speed limit. I know … wimpy. Anyway, he turned on Hemmer right behind me. I made the turn kind of slow and slipped around a little bit, but he was in a particular hurry to make the turn and get into my back seat again. He drove straight into the ditch. I could have stopped to help him, but there was a nice piece of cheesecake waiting for me at home.

Winter rule number three is, "When in doubt, just pull on out." This means that, no matter how slick the roads are, and no matter how thick traffic is, if you pull up to an intersection and you need to make that right or left turn, your signal is all you need. Once your turn indicator lights have flashed three times, you're clear to pull out. Those other people will either find a way to make room for you, or they'll politely drive off the road to accommodate you. People are nice that way.

The last rule I want to discuss is the one I really want changed. That's the rule that says people with small brains are supposed to get in their loud trucks and spin donuts in the Palmer High School parking lot at midnight. If they want to keep doing it, that's fine, but the price should be that I get to force feed them their steering wheel. Is that so wrong?

Frank Ameduri can be a very grumpy driver.