Ameduri sends annual update

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

Dear friends and family: Well, it's that time of year again, and I'm sure you've been anxiously awaiting my annual update letter, just as I've anticipated yours. As usual, I'm a little late, but at least I'm consistent. Though I rarely speak with most of you, I think these little updates keep the miles and the years at bay. When I get your updates it makes me feel as though we'd actually gone to the trouble to write a letter or dial the phone once in a while. It's as if we've actually known each other all these years, and that's nice. Well, anyway, enough of this mushy stuff. Here goes …

I'll start off by saying that I managed to keep both New Year's resolutions last year. In case you forgot what they were, I resolved to stop beating myself up for getting a little fatter each year, and I resolved to watch less cable TV. It was great to eat ice cream without that ol' guilt topping, so I think I'll stick with that one. Also, there's no cable available in my new neighborhood, so that one was a cinch. See my new resolutions at the end of this update.

Last year Mark and Leslie's update mentioned that they'd hired a personal trainer, and that they were feeling really positive and energized. I decided to give it a whirl, but it didn't go as well for me. I kept my trainer in the budget for only two months. He wouldn't stop nagging me to exercise and eat healthier, and that became tiresome in a hurry. We finally had a falling out when he handed me a "regimen." I said, "Look, pal. I only get about 10 hours of free time every week, and I don't appreciate you trying to monopolize it!" He said, "That's what you are paying for." I said, "That's where you're wrong. I'm paying you so I can tell everyone I have a personal trainer. If I really wanted to exercise I'd get rid of you, my TV, computer and couch." Anyway, no more trainer.

As most of you know, I entered the dating pool again last year. I've got to say, the water in that pool seems a little chillier and choppier than I remember. I decided to try one of those online personals services. I quickly noticed that most of the ads shared several common characteristics. Everyone likes the outdoors, values honesty and everyone has an "average" build. I'll admit that I claimed an average build, myself. I justified that by telling myself, "Look, for a manatee, it is an average build." So much for that honesty thing, huh?

On my first date we ended up back at her place for a nightcap. She'd mentioned that she was a sculptor, and I was anxious to see some of her work. The only piece she had displayed in the apartment was a life-size figure of a nude man who had somehow managed to get barbed wire knotted up where his briefs should have been. I must have lingered there a moment because she said, "Oh, you're probably wondering what I was going for there."

"No," I said. "You don't have to be Felini to figure this one out. I guess your last relationship didn't go so well. I can see why you switched from fashion design, though."

"Maybe you can model for me sometime."

"Yeah, you could sculpt me running myself over with my car."

I'm taking a break from the dating thing for a while.

Other good news is that the thing under my armpit finally dried up and fell off. At least I think it fell off. One day it was there and then it wasn't. If it should turn up between your couch cushions or what-not, I'd like to have it back. It's not a sentimental thing, it's just that my health insurance carrier is insisting on some sort of evidence to justify all the salve. Anyway, I'm back in tank tops again, and that's nice.

Well, that's about it for last year. On to this year's resolutions. First, I resolve to take time to appreciate the good things in life -- like pizza, cheese puffs and raspberry Zingers. Second, I resolve to pester my local cable company until there's cable TV in my neighborhood. I mean, what use are pizza, cheese puffs and raspberry Zingers if you don't have ESPN?

Frank Ameduri is actually an active, easygoing guy who loves the outdoors, values honesty and who has an average build. He didn't really have a thing under his arm.