An open letter from Joe Alaskan

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

Dear Legislators:

As you enter into this new legislative session, I thought I 'd take a moment to express to you some of the things that are most important to me.

First, you should know that I'm an Alaskan to the core. I'm an avid outdoorsman who enjoys hunting, fishing, off-road activities, camping and the like. I'm a rugged individualist who prefers less legislation and more personal freedom. I'm pretty self-sufficient, and I own property in the Mat-Su Valley. I don't want the government telling me what I can and can't do on that property. My neighbors feel pretty much the same way, even that jerk that opened the helicopter engine repair shop next door, the moron who parked his dead car in the stream up the road and the numbskull whose burn barrel keeps starting small fires across the street. If you could lock those guys up, the rest of us pretty much just want to be left alone.

I've got a couple of kids in school out here, too. Our school district and the teachers' union keep battling it out every year because the teachers want more money, smaller classes, cheaper insurance and the like, but the district is broke, apparently because you guys won't pay enough for education. Let me tell you something, these kids are our future. Education is the most important thing on your plate, and you'd better get on the stick. I want our schools fully funded, whatever that means. Still, as important as those teachers are, I think they got a sweetheart deal with those summers off and all that, so I'd also like to propose that we put those fellers to work laying down some pavement out here during the summer.

Speaking of that, the roads are just one big load of bad news out here. There's more potholes out here than there are crackpots in Juneau -- nothing personal. Besides that, some of the shoulders aren't really wide enough to pass people on unless you have 4-wheel drive and really good tires. What's that? I'm not supposed to be passing people on the shoulder? Well, how about two more lanes on the Palmer-Wasilla and a couple of traffic lights, while you're at it? Don't even get me started on the Parks, and you'll be hearing from me again while I'm stuck in traffic after the new Palmer Fred Meyer opens. We need money for roads out here, and we need it yesterday. If you don't send it here, than use it to build a road to Juneau so a few of us can come over there and tell you how we really feel.

Now, let's talk law enforcement. Better yet, let's stop talking about it and actually hire some police, prosecutors, judges, and maybe even some fish and wildlife protection folks again. Come on people, we've got preachers shooting burglars out here, for Pete's sake. Let me tell you how confident the criminals are out here. Last week a bunch of kids got caught drinking at a pool hall. They got mad and beat up the feller they thought turned them in. After that they drove drunk to the police station to complain about their civil rights or some such thing. Well, maybe that's more goofy than confident, but we still could use more law enforcement out here. And now that you've turned the brownshirts into blueshirts, whose supposed to be protecting our fish and game? There weren't enough of those guys in the first place. Why should anybody even bother with licenses and permits anymore? Last night some guy bagged my St. Bernard and trapped my wife's cats. If you don't believe me, just go look in his meth lab … he's got the hides hanging in there as we speak.

Anyway, that's pretty much my wish list for this session. I've got more, but I know you folks aren't much for multi-tasking. Thanks for listening, and good luck in the upcoming round of elections. You're going to need it.

Sincerely, Joe Alaskan.

P.S. I almost forgot. Don't you even think about raising taxes or touching that permanent fund. As I mentioned, I'm a rugged individualist, and that means you can keep your grubby paws out of my pockets, thank you very much. I know how you guys operate. People start asking you to do your job, and right away you start making up taxes and all that. Well, that's not what I elected you for, so don't get any bright ideas.

Frank Ameduri thinks it's time to lay off the snooze button and get up out of bed. We're all late for work.