Another banner day at MEA offices

Sept. 2, 2007

Spectrum/Darin Markwardt

Worker: Good morning sir.

Boss: Well what's the news?

Worker: Bad news sir. The Mat-Su Borough passed the power plant ordinance.

Boss: The nerve of those … those … those radical zealots! They've put a stop to the coal plant!

Worker: Well not really sir.

Boss: What do mean not really?

Worker: Well sir, the Mat-Su ordinance simply forces us to comply with current state and federal standards by going through a permitting process. It really does nothing to stop us.

Boss: But it's far too restrictive.

Worker: I disagree sir. The ordinance simply asks us to list the emissions we're putting out.

Boss: Well, don't be fooled son. This ordinance it will definitely bankrupt us.

Worker: The permitting fee is $1,000, sir.

Boss: That's $1,000 stolen from the good folks of the Valley.

Worker: Um sir, didn't we just spend $100,000 on a campaign to get a coal plant?

Boss: Zealot!

Worker: Me?

Boss: No not you. That's what we say when the radicals offer propagan—

Workers: Facts.

Boss: Whatever. Despite what the greenies say, this ordinance is still a sham. There's no time frame in the ordinance. The Borough could drag the permitting process on for years.

Worker: Actually sir, the Borough only has 30 days to act on a submitted permit.

Boss: So there's a time limit?

Worker: Yes, sir.

Boss: Hmm … tell the press there isn't one.

Worker: Isn't that a wee bit dishonest, sir?

Boss: Son, the people of the Valley are too busy to read the ordinance and figure it out. We're really doing them a favor by explaining the hidden meaning.

Worker: You're a man of the people, sir.

Boss: In every way.

Worker: So should I tell the media anything besides our latest theory of relativity?

Boss: Yes! Tell the media that environmental groups like the Friends of Mat-Su are having way too much influence on the Borough.

Worker: Um sir, FOMS is actually a planning organization, not an environmental group.

Boss: Son, if I call someone a greenie, then they're a greenie. If I call them a zealot then they're a zealot.

Worker: But sir, that means that Rep. Carl Gatto is a zealot.

Boss: So?

Worker: Sir, he's a conservative Republican.

Boss: Ah! A greenie in Lincoln's clothing. Beware!

Worker: Um, no sir. Gatto, like thousands of other Valley voters, is a hard-core Republican who simply knows about the health effects of coal.

Boss: Who told?

Worker: Sir, it's a thing called research.

Boss: Hmm.

Worker: Plus, Gatto grew up in an area with plenty of coal plants. He's actually seen their effects first-hand.

Boss: Oh, I suppose he has a better idea.

Worker: Actually sir, he does. He's working with the governor to bring a natural gas spur line to Southcentral Alaska. That energy, sir, will be less expensive and cleaner than coal.

Boss: But son … a gas line would hurt Usibelli's feelings.

Worker: Sir?

Boss: Son, Usibelli and I have been working on this deal for years. We've grown very close.

Worker: Yes sir, I noticed that your scare tactics—

Boss: Information.

Worker: —that your scare tactics are nearly identical to Usibelli's &#8220California regulations” propaganda.

Boss: What can I say, great minds think alike.

Worker: How cozy.

Boss: So, any other news to report?

Worker: Yes sir, we sued the Borough clerk, Michelle Megeehee, a couple days ago.

Boss: Excellent. We'll show her who rules the Valley.

Worker: Sir, don't you think it's a bit brutish for a multi-million dollar corporation to sue one person?

Boss: Son, you just don't get it? This woman will not allow us to file an initiative that would clearly benefit MEA.

Worker: Yes sir, I heard that she refused our petition because it violates the state constitution.

Boss: Now there you go with that constitution talk! The constitution I live by is the MEA constitution …

Worker: By-laws.

Boss: Whatever. And those by-laws state that MEA must make electricity for the good people of the Valley.

Worker: They don't mention the suing or bullying tactics.

Boss: I ad-libbed those.

Worker: Ingenious, sir.

Boss: Well, is there anything to add?

Worker: No sir. I think I got it. I go the press, lie about the ordinance, throw a few labels, and try to ruin the life of a Borough clerk.

Boss: You making me proud, son.