Are you ready for some football!

My World, by Jeremiah Bartz

It is that time of year again. The bratwurst are on the grill, your favorite barley sodas are in the fridge, the remote is next to the recliner and the satellite dish is pointed in the right direction to pick up every NFL game now until the Super Bowl.

Yes, the National Football League is upon us. For football fans this time of year is like an extended holiday. Our Christmas is every Sunday, Monday and on certain weeks, Thursday. Rather than waking up at the crack of dawn to run down to the Christmas tree, fans wake up and run down to their television to watch NFL Gameday on ESPN. Fans then settle in for non-stop football for the next 36 hours.

It is also the beginning of another season. For all the armchair quarterbacks in the world, it is time for the fantasy football leagues to begin.

For those who are unfamiliar with this cultural phenomenon, fantasy football is a recreation celebrated throughout the nation -- mostly by former high school athletes desperately seeking to return to their youth.

Individuals create teams, join leagues and draft their favorite players. It is often a useful tool for gambling and provides you with a good reason to boast to your friends.

Since it is that time of year, I thought I would offer a few tips to the fantasy footballers out there to aid in the upcoming drafts. These few simple guidelines could turn you from a fantasy fool to the champion of your next league.

First, when you see fellow league members before the draft takes place, be sure to spout off random statistics. This is the intimidation factor. The more obscure the statistic or fact, the better.

"Did you know Curtis Martin averaged a first down every 2.2 carries, during night games on the road?"

If you have trouble remembering these things, just memorize one or two to use on each of the members. This will not only baffle your friends, but give them an initial insecurity going into the draft. This may cause them to stray from their first instincts on draft day.

Don't be afraid to falsify information.

"Did you hear that Elvis Grbac is returning to the NFL?" or "I heard that Marshall Faulk tore his MCL."

It is not lying, it is just strategy.

Also find out who their favorite player is. Everyone strives to have their favorite player on their team. If they are a Bronco fan, tell them that you think Brian Griese and Rod Smith will have huge seasons for Denver and Clinton Portis may be the rookie of the year. Hint that you would like to have these players on your team. This will create a panic and most likely cause them to use an early pick, possibly a first round choice, on drafting one of these players.

There are certain things that you will need on draft day. Go to the bookstore just before the draft and buy about five of the NFL preseason publications that focus on football. Spill some coffee on the covers, mark some of the pages and drive over them with your car a few times. This way they will look good and worn and it will seem like you spent hours studying for the draft. Again, this goes to the intimidation factor.

Always bring extra magazines or cheat sheets for those who came unprepared. But with these, go through and randomly highlight names and place asterisks next to useless statistics. If this tactic is successful, it will completely lead them in the wrong direction.

Next, find out possible weaknesses of your opponents. If they would like to sample a few fermented beverages during the draft, find out what your counterparts are drinking. Be sure to bring their favorites. Make them a few drinks before the first round. Before you know if you can convince them that Barry Sanders has returned to the NFL and Gus Frerotte is posed for a breakout season.

If your league members do not drink, they may have an affinity for food. If this is the case bring some munchies. Chicken wings, chili and nachos are all really good choices. The spicier the better. This is especially effective if someone in your league has a gastrointestinal problem. Too many chicken wings and they could end up drafting from the bathroom.

If there is someone in your league with just a little too much testosterone running through their veins, and there always is, be sure to create a diversion for them. Subtly stick your copy of "Behind the scenes with the Raiderettes" cassette into the VCR. This could cause distraction and persistent drooling for some.

If someone in your league smokes, make sure they do not smoke in the house. Just prior to their pick, start talking about cigarettes and ask what is appealing about nicotine. This could make someone focus their attention on how badly they need a cigarette, rather than the draft.

If these tips are successful, you may walk away from the draft table with a loaded team.

Remember that you are not being deceitful or dishonest, it is just strategy. It is kind of like a political campaign. It is not lying, it is just distorting the truth. If these tips are unsuccessful, start thinking of good excuses now.