Arrows of Saint Valentine

Resslin' Around, by Frank Ameduri

This installment of Resslin' Around comes with a couple caveats. First, it's not technically Resslin' Around, because Casey Ressler is loungin' around on some beach in Hawaii and, judging by an obnoxious message he left on my answering machine, enjoying way too many umbrella-adorned beverages. Second, this is one of those columns that falls into the strange, deadline-driven newspaper time vortex. That means I'm writing about something that hasn't happened yet, but it will have happened by the time you read this. In other words, it probably sounds real smart to me, but kind of stupid and stale to you. Too bad. Next year tell Casey to stay out of the tropics, and we won't have to endure this problem again.

Anyway, the event I'm writing about is Valentine's Day. If you're a guy, you're probably recovering from a fairly expensive holiday and wondering just what the heck the whole Valentine's thing is all about, anyway. If you're a woman, well, I'll be honest, if you're a woman, I have no earthly idea what you might be thinking about right now … but I probably should. In fact, I think that may be what keeps Valentine's Day going. It makes doing the right thing easy for guys. Most of the time we stumble around in our relationships, thinking we have a pretty good idea what the women in our lives are thinking and needing, but usually being about as far from right as you can get without committing a felony.

Let's face it, we have no idea what women want or need. I know that's a generalization. I know there are some guys who know what women want and need, but there are very few of them, and the rest of us guys don't like them very much.

Anyway, Valentine's Day has the potential to be a very helpful tool for men. First of all, it's always on the same day, so it can be marked on a calendar. That's a plus for a few guys who actually have calendars, and who are in the habit of marking things on them. Of course, to gain any advantage from that, you also have to change the page every month or so. If you get into that habit, though, it can give you a great jump on things like birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine's Day. So far, so good.

A major Valentine's Day setback for most men is that we're completely devoid of creativity when it comes to gift giving. That's why we rely so heavily upon marketing and upon the folks who stock the shelves at supermarkets and department stores. This, I've learned, is a potentially disastrous flaw. If you base your Valentine's Day gift purchases upon marketing and store shelves, here's what you'll give your special sweetie: A big, pink stuffed bear, puppy or kitten with frilly heart-shaped things on it -- also if you squeeze its paw, it will sing "Love me Tender" or "Fly Me to the Moon;" a big, heart-shaped box of not-very-good chocolates -- the box will be red, pink or white, or some combination of the three, and the main ingredient in the chocolates will be something like guar gum or something that's been hydrogenated; a card that has a pink, frilly pop-up heart or Cupid inside, or it might have a picture of hydrogenated guar gum chocolates and the words, "I'm sweet on you!" Pay attention, guys. That's not what she wants.

That's about as much help as I can provide, since I still have no idea what she does want. But don't waste your time on the stuff listed above. You could try a romantic dinner and a candle with some leaves or something inside it -- I've often had good luck with that one. Maybe a play, a trip to the symphony or just a romantic get away someplace. None of those are hydrogenated or guar-like.

As a last note, historical research won't help you either. I did some of that, and here's what I found out. Valentine's Day probably started before any number of St. Valentines were born. It seems the ancient Romans started it all with a holiday in which young men and women ran around in loincloths and smacked each other with thongs made from sacrificed goats. It was supposed to awaken the powers of fertility or some such thing. Trust me on this one. If you're at a complete loss, you're way better off with the stuffed Cupid Kitty and the bad chocolates instead of whacking your sweetie with goat thong. No amount of Cupid's arrows can counter an unfortunate goat thong miscalculation.

Frank Ameduri is te managing editor of the Frontiersman newspaper.