Being Frank

We've got an election coming up, and nobody's buzzing. It's not a national election cycle, so the apathy meter -- which is always higher than it should be -- is pretty much pegged out. Everybody has ideas about what causes voter apathy, and how we can combat it. Some of the ideas are even pretty good. When it comes to ideas about getting people interested, however, you just can't beat the Californians. Once again they've shown us regular folk how it's done. If you want to get people interested in politics again, just throw a good ol' California-style, red-carpet, rented-suit, borrowed-jewelry, plastic-smile kind of election.

You can laugh about the current California recall, but I'll bet my lucky socks they'll have the best voter turnout in 20 years. Hell, I think the whole country should be allowed to vote in the California recall. If it's televised, it'll get better ratings than the Super Bowl and the "Who Shot J.R." episode combined.

You're shaking your head right now, but you know you want to vote in this one. It's the Terminator vs. Arnold from "Diff'rent Strokes," "Hustler" vs. "Family Digest Magazine," Father Guido Sarducci vs. a guy selling "Georgy for Governor" thong underwear. If you don't want to vote in that election, you're crazier than … well, crazier than a Californian.

You've got to love a state that, if it were on its own, would boast the sixth-largest economy in the world, and that responds to an economic crisis by considering Gallagher for governor. There's also a former boxer, a porn star, a bounty hunter, a punk rocker, a 100-year-old woman and a former marijuana grower on the ballot.

Does anybody really even care who wins? Let's just get on with the debates, for Pete's sake. Let's listen to these folks square off on weighty issues and tell us what the majority of American voters are really thinking, anyway. Can't you just imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman, Larry Flint and Donald Novello (Sarducci) facing off in a California-style debate? I can:

Moderator: OK. The rules are pretty simple. I'll ask each of you the same question, and you've got 30 seconds to respond. After everyone has answered the question, I'll allow each of you 30 more seconds for rebuttal. Fair enough? OK. Here we go. Mr. Flint, I'll start with you. Given the dire economic climate in California right now, what is the first thing you'd do in office?

Flint: Girly magazines in every bathroom. It'll get people's minds off the bad stuff. After that I'd put a sin-tax on Bibles. It's the most widely-sold book in the world. A lot of people even own more than one, and the darned thing hasn't changed much in hundreds of years. Why do you need two? It's a revenue gold mine waiting to be tapped. And let me tell you, more people have been killed over the Bible than over girly magazines. You can look it up.

Moderator: Alrighty, then. I'll remind the viewers that the views expressed by the candidates are not necessarily the views of this network. In fact, I can almost guarantee that the views expressed by the candidates are not likely to make sense in the known cosmos. With that said, Mr. Novello, what would you do first?

Novello: Well, I didn't really have like-a big plan worked out or somethin' like-a dat, but the Bible idea sounds-a good to me. I mean, God's got a budget, too. You can't expect your prayers to be answered for free. Other than that, I'm thinkin' maybe we sell back some of the water we're stealin' from neighboring states.

Moderator: Uh-huh … Mr. Schwarzenegger, how about you?

Schwarzenegger: I tink the problem is lead-uh-ship. Where's da lead-uh-ship? Who's been doing the lead-uh-shipping? Dis state hasn't been lead-uh-shipped right in a long time. It takes a big man to lead-uh-ship a big state. A very big man. Not a little man.

Moderator: Mr. Coleman?

Coleman: Wachoo talkin' 'bout Arnold?

And that's just the debates! The possibilities once these guys get into the governor's mansion are mind-boggling. I'm thinking we just pair them up in governor/lieutenant governor combinations and give them each a crack at governing every couple of months. For two months you'd have the Coleman/Schwarzenegger administration. Then you'd switch to the Flint/Gallagher team. Sure, nothing would get done, but California's not about getting things done anymore, anyway. California's there to keep the rest of us entertained. Why not just admit it and let the "reality government" begin?

Frank Ameduri is the managing editor of the Frontiersman.