Being Frank

A whole new year stretches out in front of us. For a few weeks, it will be full of promise and mystery. After the sugar high of the holiday season wears off, we'll realize that 2004 is likely to be pretty much full of the same sort of stuff other years were full of -- so don't hang that shovel up in the shed just yet. Here are a few of my predictions for the year ahead.

First photo op

In the new year's inaugural photo op, President George W. Bush will be pictured personally interrogating Saddam Hussein. Dr. Phil will play "good cop" to Bush's "bad cop" during the interrogation. For dramatic effect, Bush will be dressed as Torquemada, and Dr. Phil will sport a bunny suit by Prada. Though Hussein won't reveal the location of weapons of mass destruction, he will admit to having a David Cassidy poster in his closet, boosting Bush's approval ratings to over 96 percent.

Alaska's own recall

The Alaska Legislature, preoccupied with a minimum wage bill designed to humiliate people into getting "real jobs," will fail to act on Gov. Frank Murkowski's budget. The budget will pass at the last moment, leaving the state only enough money to fund the governor's expanded administrative staff. A recall will be organized, and the guy with crab legs from the Sea Galley commercials will sweep into the governor's mansion. The state will enjoy a surprising recovery, proving it's better to be a crustacean than to be crusty. As a heartwarming side note, Charlie Tuna will be the state's lieutenant governor. Sorry, Loren.

Two new points

Frustrated by the Legislature's failure to pay any attention to his first 10 points, Rep. Vic Kohring will introduce two new points. Point 11: Anyone referring to him or herself as a "progressive" will be properly identified as a liberal and sent to a reeducation camp (privately funded). Classes will include "Rush Limbaugh was framed by liberal pharmaceutical nut cases," "Taxes and why Ted Kennedy and Satan want you to pay them" and "If God wanted public education, he'd have made Eve a school marm." Point 12: Since liberals are so interested in taxes, and since they can't keep their big fat mouths shut, let's charge them a First Amendment user's fee for every treasonous word.

Roadmap redux

Frustrated by the lack of progress toward lasting peace in the Middle East, President Bush will send Secretary of State Colin Powell to Israel with a reworked Roadmap to Peace. The new roadmap will include a computerized points system devised and maintained by the same people who currently run the Bowl Championship Series program for NCAA football. In a global shocker, the statistics and records of Israel and Palestine will be put into the computer, along with a confusing strength-of-schedule parameter, and Chad will be declared the winner, giving the small, African country sovereign control of Israel and Palestine and also of Bakersfield, Calif.

How do you spell relief?

The coal-bed methane debate in the Valley will come to an abrupt end with the biggest energy-related scandal since Roberto Duran supposedly ran out of gas against Sugar Ray Leonard, uttering the now infamous "No mas. No mas." Several Lazy Mountain residents, along with a mysterious group of "Outside, tree-hugging lunatics," will pump thousands of pounds of Beano, Rolaids and Tums down every well and core hole they can find. The effort will result in a geothermic belch recorded at seismic stations as far away as Bakersfield, Calif., sending the government of Chad into a panic. Tests will then reveal that the entire reservoir of CBM in the Valley was relieved, taking the wind out of Sen. Scott Ogan's legacy.

You read it here first.

Frank Ameduri predicted the Oakland Raiders would win the 2003 Super Bowl.