Bush gets on the campaign buggy

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

The Bush campaign is actively wooing the Amish. I didn't make that up. The Amish live largely in critical swing states, like Pennsylvania and Ohio, and they are socially conservative and almost devoid of political convictions. Because their social conservatism aligns with the religious right segment of the Republican party, Amish normally vote Republican -- when they vote, which isn't very often.

I'm no expert, so don't take this column to debate club and expect to score serious points. Here's what I know about the conservative wing of the Amish. They have limited fashion sense; they do their cruising in horse-drawn buggies; they don't subscribe to any technology or science developed after about the mid 18th century; they don't collect Social Security; they adhere to fundamental Christian beliefs; they are pacifists; the men grow beards but not mustaches (I don't know about the women); right before they commit to God and start wearing bad clothes and intermarrying, they practice something called rumspringa (running around) when they can break all the rules, get drunk, hang out with sleazy non-Amish, drive fast cars and the like; they don't like being photographed and they don't believe in education beyond the eighth grade. I can see why Dubya likes them. Other than the beard and pacifism, Bush could be mistaken for the first Amish president.

Like the Amish, Bush experienced quite an exciting rumspringa. Of course, Bush's rumspringa was extended, stretching through rumsummer and into rumautumn. There's no point in pondering Bush's fashion sense -- he probably doesn't pick out his own outfits, so it wouldn't be fair.

I have no idea whether or not Bush collects Social Security, but I know he'd love to spend some of the fund on other things, and that shouldn't bother the Amish one way or the other.

Bush rides around in a giant jet, limousines and a helicopter, but he does have horses, and he likes to jog. You can't really fault him for any of that. Immediately after the development of the internal combustion engine, the Secret Service refused to perform any duties that included picking up horse manure. Besides, you can't have the leader of the most powerful nation on earth cruising around the globe in Buggy One and in rowboats.

It could be argued that Bush differs from the Amish on the technology and science issue. He has a computer, a cell phone, a fax machine and a Nintendo 64 system. It's the spirit of this belief that really counts, though. The Amish aren't really anti-technology. Let's face it, whether you're a creationist or a evolutionist, neither Adam and Eve, nor Cro-Magnon man had horse-drawn buggies or hardened steel plow blades and hammers. The Amish simply picked a level of technology that worked for them, and stuck with it. That's kind of what Dubya does, too. He likes "bunker buster" bombs and V-8 engines, but he's not keen on cells -- stem or fuel. No problem. Kill the infidel and protect the sanctity of life. Makes perfect sense.

Bush is not opposed to being photographed, especially when he's wearing a military flight suit and standing in front of a giant U.S. flag on an aircraft carrier deck. He is a little skittish about talking to the press, however, especially when he's lacking crib notes and has to make things up on the fly. That's understandable, considering that eighth-grade education thing. Of course, Dubya did go to Yale, but come on. On May 25 the president said, "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." Elihu Yale, communicating through a Ouija Board, demanded the immediate return of the 417 books he gifted to the college in 1716, and asked for Dubya's diploma back, too.

So, while the Amish are staunchly opposed to things like war, there is a natural sort of kinship between the Amish people and the 43rd U.S. president. Stay tuned for news of John Kerry's speech to the American Druid Society.

Frank Ameduri wears a goatee, which is not quite a beard and not quite a mustache.