Conferences are times for snakes to uncoil

Schools hold two days of parent-teacher conferences on Thursday and Friday of this week. For teachers, conference days are the delicate wash during the spin cycle: gentle because the days are filled with families whose most-cherished interests we share, spinning furiously either through tightly scheduled meetings or open house arrangements.

My dad once quipped that parents were like rattlesnakes, “It is the one you don’t see who will bite you.” His words proved prophetic a few times in my career.

I remembered them the day a parent threw a chair at me, the late Friday evening when an angry mom telephoned to call me names, the dad who cornered me in my office, and within inches of my face, reprimanded me for not doing more to make his child complete the class work. On those occasions, I would have to say Dad was right. I didn’t see them coming.

But, I think Dad also meant for me to consider why rattlers strike, out of fear or the need to protect.

Parent-teacher conferences too often become a defensive/offensive play book. The teachers on the defense armed with results and examples to defend the final mark, and parents on the offense ready to avenge and rally for their child.

Or, as a parent it could be perceived as the exact opposite playbook. The teachers are on the offense ready to prove the child’s misgivings and the parent on the defense protecting the same issue.

Then two things happened to me that offered another perspective. Amanda’s mom came in for conferences and I read an article about new teachers.

I really enjoyed Amanda in my sixth-grade classroom. Her energy filled the room every day. She worked hard. She tried everything. She thought. She also talked all the time. I began to explain my class routines and expectations to the mom as I approached the delicate topic of behavior when Amanda’s mom stopped me.

“Thank you,” she said. “I really appreciate you having all these other children in your room for my daughter to socialize with and learn with. But, I want you to know that in my mind, you only have one child that matters. And that’s mine. Amanda.”

Amanda’s mom taught me that it isn’t all children we teach. We teach each child, someone else’s child, loved and cared for as best the parent can.

Now, we all know of the wretched families who, as hard as it is to imagine, really don’t love and care for their children. But, by and large, our students’ families are doing the best they can with a lot of love.

Years later I read about new teachers and the struggle to keep good teachers in the classroom. The report documented that although districts’ mentoring programs are influential, it was discovered through interviews that it isn’t the mentor teacher who helped the inexperienced teacher stay in teaching, but the families of his/her students. When a parent would say thank you, or invite the teacher to their home for dinner, or volunteer to help with a class party, or — most influential for new teachers — work diligently with the new teacher to help progress their child’s studies, the new teacher would most likely stay in the profession over time.

While I read the report I traveled back in time to all of the parents who helped me teach, and continue to help me teach. I found myself tearing up with memories.

Who would I be today without the mentoring and kindness from the Broady family, the Romers, Pettijohns, Adams, Lincolns, and of course, the Victors — plus countless others in my early years at Snowshoe Elementary? Why, Mrs. “D” is now a cherished friend and godparent of both my daughters!

Our children come to us as complete packages including their families, themselves and their future. During this quarter’s parent-teacher conferences it might be interesting to consider what each parent is bringing to you, instead of considering what you are offering the parent.

Not everyone is lucky enough as I am now to have a public forum with which to say thank you. I remain forever in these people’s debt.

Thank you, Dad, for your countless analogies and metaphors that keep roaming in my heart.

Thank you to all the parents, the rattlers I didn’t see but should have, and especially the ones who took me under their wings so that together we could give their children flight.

Emily Forstner is the professional development coordinator for Mat-Su Borough School District.