Corporate sponsors are for the Bears

Frank Ameduri - Being Frank

The Chicago Bears may be on to something. In a recent deal, the Bears signed Bank One on as the team's "presenting partner." While Bears President and CEO Ted Phillips later explained that the deal will not change the team's name, the move could still be a sign of big things to come for professional sports teams.

It really began with corporate naming of sports arenas. You can watch games at Coors Field, the Pepsi Center, Bank One Ballpark (affectionately know as "The Bob") or Safeco Field. The Enron thing didn't go so well, but you can't let one little scandal scare you off. I'm thinking the corporate affiliation thing could solve all the problems plaguing professional sports these days. Ideally, sports teams wouldn't be affiliated with cities or states at all, anymore. That would take all the pressure off fans who wouldn't have to feel pressured by that loyalty thing.

In fact, because competition, loyalty and player integrity have all become pass/, all professional athletes could be moved to a giant practice complex near Palm Springs. Instead of fences, the practice fields and courts could be separated by cubicles. Each week team owners would get together to "choose up" teams, and they'd all head off to different corporate stadiums and arenas to compete. The beauty of it would be, you'd never know which players were going to be in your local corporate stadium until the game actually started. Now that's exciting. The trickiest part would be in securing just the right sponsorship agreements.

Some sponsorships are pretty obvious. The Ford Broncos, for instance, is a no-brainer, as is the Coca Cola Cowboys. The Borax White Sox also feels good, and AT&T Long Distance Bills is almost a given. The Mastercard Chargers feels like a good fit, as does the Super Cuts Clippers.

A few others pairings that seem natural are the UPS Browns, the RexAll Rangers and the Bud Brewers. The Doublemint Twins seems like a match made in heaven.

Of course, there are also some partnerships that should be avoided at all costs. For instance, the good folks at PETA would be up in arms the first time the Starkist Dolphins squared off against the KFC Eagles. And who could visit the snack bar when the Trojan Warriors battled the Cat Nuggets in Ex-Lax Arena. That's just too much for anyone to stomach. The Remington Knicks is a marketing disaster waiting to happen, and it would be hard to get excited about the Arby's Colts, too. The Dirt Devil Saints could also cause some confusion.

I can think of only one team that would buck the corporate partnership system. The Green Bay Packers are, gasp, owned by the people of Green Bay, Wis. There's no way those people are going to part with their team. Just go into Wisconsin and suggest a corporate sponsorship for the Packers. In the best spirit of their team's name, the good people of Green Bay will show you a decidedly uncomfortable way to wear the fabled cheesehead … and then they'll show you the way to Soldier Field, sponsored by Ronco, thank you very much.

Every stadium needs a corporate sponsor, too. Who could resist the big game between the Coppertone Redskins and the Dodge Rams in the Tidy Bowl? Would you even need a game to attract you to Purina Arena or the Taco Bell Sombrero? I think not. Imagine the snack bar in the International House of Hoops -- or the restrooms in the 10,000 Flushes Bowl.

The bottom line here, as always, is the bottom line. We're talking about major marketing opportunities for the richest corporations, and that's always good for American sports fans. After all, everybody knows baseball is no longer the great American pastime. Counting money is the great American pastime. Holding a credit card in one hand and a stock portfolio in the other, most Americans are switch hitters in the great money-counting game. Fantasy sports have replaced real sports as our favorite games … because money is changing hands. We don't need a hometown team. We don't even need the same players back every year, as long as somebody's playing somewhere, and as long as Vegas is taking bets.

Perhaps the corporate partnership/sponsorship thing is even more honest than what we've had in recent years. In fact, they should just change the team names, too. How about the Hoover Super Vacs, and the logo could depict a board of directors sucking money out of fans' pockets. The program could celebrate $25 parking brought to you by Acme Asphalt and $4 hot-dogs courtesy of Pete's Sneaky Meats.

But I'm not bitter.

Frank Ameduri vows that the moment his favorite team becomes the Corporate Raiders, he'll swear off sports for good.