Dreaming of a brown Christmas

J's World, by Jeremiah Bartz

Well it is December 6 and the roads are dry and the ground is a nice brown color. In fact the only moisture on the roads right now is the massive collection of tears shed by the local winter enthusiasts.

Our bizarre winter has probably sent the area snowmachiners, dog mushers and skiiers into a deep depression that is usually only caused by our abnormal lack of daylight.

Everyone else in the Valley is probably dreaming of a brown Christmas.

The snowmachiners probably had little to be thankful for over the holiday weekend as Palmer and Wasilla made it look like we were celebrating Easter rather than Thanksgiving. Frankly, I was not sure whether to eat ham or turkey.

On Thanksgiving, you usually see snow on the ground and all the local stores pushing the Christmas sales down your throat. Then you know it is time for turkey! This year, it just wasn't the same.

The stores were still prostituting themselves, but there was no snow. I still ate some turkey though.

I am not sure what is more strange. Looking out the window on a cool December morning and seeing pavement, or watching the news and seeing a lady shoveling snow in Charlotte, NC.

Have we entered a massive warp that switches the seasons. Did we suddenly change hemispheres? Did I not get the memo? This is like bizarro Alaska here.

I am afraid that May is going to roll around and I will be breaking out the fly rod and we will get like 20 feet of snow. That would really mess up my universe.

Personally I am a summer guy, so the lack of snow really is raining on my parade too much. I can only imagine the feeling of the snowmachiners out there, let alone the snowmachine dealers. The local sled shops have to be thinking about expanding their businesses. Maybe selling more skidos or motorcycles or something. Hey those coffee stands seem to pull in the bucks. Maybe combine the two. That way if you ever have the hankering to shop for a Polaris and get a mocha at the same time, you are good to go.

So since there is no snow here, I am sure all these folks are going elsewhere. You will probably see a line of trucks with "Snow or Bust" signs on their snowmachine trailers heading north, south, east and west.

Travel agencies are probably getting flooded with calls for people who want to spend the holidays in winter wonderlands such as Connecticut or North Carolina.

Dog mushers are probably looking for alternative ways to train their dogs. I am waiting to see a team of dogs pulling a cored out Oldsmobile down the Parks Highway.

Meanwhile everyone else in the valley is just continuing to try to enjoy their winter activities despite the lack of snow; building snowmen out of dirt clods, putting wheels on the toboggans and staring at their new $5,000 snowmache rather than riding it.

Jeremiah Bartz is the sports editor for the Frontiersman. Keep in mind that he wrote this column on Friday, when there was no snow, just in case you are reading it Sunday morning and look out the window to find 10 inches of white stuff in your yard. And if there is all you snowmachiners can thank me for the snow.