Every citizen has a right to know what they're paying for

Being Frank/Frank Ameduri

On Jan. 20, 1961, John F. Kennedy delivered one of the most moving inaugural speeches in presidential history. Among the memorable lines Kennedy intoned, "Ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country." From time to time, when I'm feeling selfish and put upon, I try to reflect upon those words -- to gain a better perspective in the grand scheme of things.

I know I shouldn't just gripe about the state of things and then stand idly by as my country, my state and my community drift further into calamity. I should ask what I can do, and then I should be willing to do it. In keeping with that sentiment, I've decided to establish the Frank Ameduri government discount program. We all pay taxes to keep this program clanking merrily along. If you're like me, you sometimes look at the bills we're paying for the services we're getting, and you wonder if we're really getting the best deal. Why isn't there a big box store of government programs, we wonder?

Well, I'm not going to ask that question any more. From now on, if you're a government official and you're in need of anything, and I mean anything, just drop me a line, and I guarantee to offer a price 10 percent lower than anyone else for the same service. Here's a few examples.

The Murkowski administration hired independent investigator Robert Bundy to look into the matter of Attorney General Greg Renkes' relationship with KFx Inc. The administration started Bundy off with a conservative $25,000. Last week it turned out Bundy hadn't completed the investigation to the administration's satisfaction, so he was given an extended deadline, and his budget was increased by another potential $100,000. Now, I'll admit that $125,000 is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things, but every penny counts, right?

So here's my discount offer. For $75,000 cash on the barrel I'll promise to have the whole thing wrapped up by happy hour on Monday. Really, for the price of three editions of the local newspaper, Bundy could have settled the thing days ago. I know he has access to a lot more information than we newspaper folks do, but what could possibly be missing at this point? Besides, $125,000 is probably more than Renkes would have received in stock dividends even if KFx had landed the deal. Bundy's making $260 per hour. For half that I'd guarantee to find D.B. Cooper and Jimmy Hoffa in one working week without lunch breaks.

I'd also like to help out with the missile defense program. On Wednesday a test of the missile defense system failed miserably as the kill vehicle refused to detach from its rocket. So far we've spent about $85 million on this pet project of the Bush administration, and we've received bupkus. The Pentagon says five of the eight previous tests were successes, but that's a bit of a stretch. It turns out those tests were rigged. The defender missiles knew exactly when the attack missile would be launched, exactly what trajectory it would follow, and even the exact point the two missiles were going to collide. It would be like touching the ends of two gun barrels, pulling the triggers and then acting surprised when the bullets ran into each other. Here's my deal.

For half the current price tag, or about $42.5 million, I guarantee to shoot at and miss any incoming nuclear warhead. Just call me when you think a rogue nation has launched a missile, and I'll go outside with a rifle, fire a shot into the air and then hide under my dining room table. Not only will I guarantee to miss, but I'll also promise to give a full refund if I should happen to get lucky and hit the thing. A better offer than that you're not likely to find.

And remember, I'm not doing this for the money. Everybody has a part to play, and I'm ready to ask what I can do for my country.