Excerpts from the diary of a would-be Whig

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

The following were taken from the journal of an unnamed Juneau Republican representative.

Nov. 9, 2004 -- Bumped into Pete Kott when he was coming out of a Dem hangout this afternoon. He had his arm around the shoulder of a Democrat from Anchorage (where else?). They looked pretty chummy until they spotted me. Kott quickly dropped his arm and looked a little pink in the cheeks. "Uh, yeah," he said. "Well, we'll see if we can do something after the session starts, but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you." The Lefty slinked off, and Pete shook his head in a very condescending (majority) way. "It's not what it looks like," he told me. I told him that was fine, that he was always known as a guy who could work across the aisle, and that I'd miss him as Speaker. "Oh, really?" he said. He said he'd call me later with some news I might find interesting.

Nov. 10, 2004 -- Pete called this morning. Started out by asking me how I'd feel being the chairman of a committee. I told him I'm pretty junior, and I'm not all that popular with the big party apparatchiks. "That's not a problem," Pete said. "You're a good egg in my book. I'm in a position to put you in a better nest if you can keep from cracking under pressure." He told me he'd swung a deal with the Dems and some Republicans to seize control of the House and put him back in the Speaker's seat. If I came along, they'd have the majority in hand, and we'd wrest control from the old-guard Republicans.

"But, Pete," I said. "We're already in the majority."

"It ain't our majority unless it's my majority," he said. "This is my world, and that little weasel Harris is gonna find that out in a big way."

"I don't know, Pete. I like you and all, but this seems really risky. I read about a failed coup where all the revolutionaries ended up with their heads on pikes."

"They can put my head on a pike, a cod or a sturgeon, for all I care. This is our moment to shine, buddy. You'll never get a chairmanship with a pansy attitude like that. Besides, if you do this for me, I'll tear up all those poker markers I'm holding with your name on them."

"OK, Pete. You're right. Power to the people. Comrades forever."

"All right, all right. Don't get slap-happy on me, now."

Nov. 13, 2004 -- We did it! By God, we really pulled it off. You should have seen those smug majority smiles drop when they found out there was a new sheriff in town.

Right away the old guard started calling. You could hear the fear and shock in their voices. First they were in disbelief and then they started with the threats. Harris called me at 10 p.m.

"This is your last chance, you pathetic worm," he said. "Your little coup is almost finished already. Come back to papa before I permanently kick your butt to the curb where you can sing the blues a-capella style with your new bleeding-heart buddies."

"You don't scare me, Mr. Speaker of the … nothing!" I shouted. "You better get the ACLU on speed dial, because you're in the minority now."

"That's it. Prepare to get punk'd by the Punkmaster," he said, kinda hip-hop-like.

"Ha! I don't even know what that means. If you want a spot on my committee we can talk over a tray full of Arby-Qs -- your treat!"

Nov. 14, 2004 -- Damn that Pete Kott! He lied to me. Jeez-O-Pete! I'm so … punk'd. It looks like the old majority has knocked the new majority into two minorities. The Democrats are walking around saying things like, "Nothing ventured; nothing gained." I'm gonna smack one of 'em, I swear. I tried to call Harris, but I just keep getting his answering machine, and the outgoing message is just him and a couple other majority guys laughing hysterically. I went out to buy some gifts of appeasement for the majority guys, but a bunch of the other coalition Republicans beat me to it. There were no decent ties or Scotch left on the shelves anywhere. I ended up with a bunch of stupid candles and some Sponge Bob boxer shorts. I'll never get into another closed-door meeting again. That's the last time I mess with Alaska Republicans.

Frank Ameduri can't verify the authenticity of these journal entries.