Facing inappropriate sexual behavior

This column makes observations based on personal experience and personal feelings. Trying to understand the present turmoil about sexual behavior has left me bewildered. My attempts to understand have been motivated by the Christian Gospel. My Christian motivation is restoration and wholeness, not blame and condemnation. I want to be a minister of grace and new beginnings.

Life is always contextual, and we are all affected by circumstances. I moved to California in 1959, having spent seven years in college and graduate school. I was married and had started a family. My roots, early life experiences, and demanding education did not prepare me for the life circumstances I met in California as a young pastor. It was the earliest years of the “hippie era.”

My earliest experience of this new era was the movement of challenges to authority and customs. In my first pastorate, I became aware of behavior patterns that were completely new to me. This was particularly true of sexual behavior. It seemed that divorce, affairs and out-of- wedlock sex were standard rather than exceptions. I had already concluded that a Christian pastor has been given no authority to judge or condemn. I knew I had been called to show a better way that leads to wholeness.

The hippie era came to full bloom in the 1960s and 70s. I will never understand the connections between Viet Nam, drugs, sex and hippies; but they were all there. I lived those years in Santa Barbara in the shadow of UCSB. Students burned down the Bank of America and dog packs roamed the area. Students took over the University’s computer system and shut down the school. There was a lot of chaos, and sex led the way. If it feels good, do it!

I grew up in a huggie family. Family and friends hugged one another; nothing sexual was intended. As a pastor at the conclusion of a worship service, I stood at the door of the church building and gave a big hug to everyone. I thought of it as an act of comfort and assurance in a time of widespread discontent and trouble. Some young people in my congregation even developed a skit that illustrated the variety of hugs in vogue. I thought it was hilarious. What was hilarious to the congregation would today bring charges of obscene groping and cause for exclusion from church or public office.

I want to leave no doubt. Women have been abused by men in many ways and this must stop. Abuse has been happening all too long. All sexual activity should be mutual and enjoyed by both parties, ideally in the context of caring marriage. The hippy era brought abuse of life to an obscene art form that was amazingly accepted. We were all affected and involved. The Viet Nam War and the hippy rebellion were a powerful part of the context in which we lived. We have moved on, but the sexual promiscuity of the Hippy era lingers with us. Now we need to know how to restore sexual responsibility. The current delayed protest of sexual abuse is appropriate.

It is healthy to admit our abuse of life, so that we can move on to healthier lifestyles.

In the Christian Gospel, there is a place for confession and repentance, but their practice is effective only if followed by grace and healing. Accusations and finger pointing have very limited place. I have never heard accusations that intend to heal. I seldom hear accusations spoken with kindness.

I am also concerned about those who are falsely accused. A lot of hugging and even an occasional pat on someone’s butt are now being seen as sexual assault. I am concerned that close contact with people with no sexual intent will fall prey to the present hysteria. For an innocent person to be accused is a terrible experience. We cannot allow false accusations to be a part of our discussion of wrong doing.

What should we be doing for healing and wholeness to our American society? I am not speaking about child sexual abuse of any kind. Sexual abuse of a minor is a violation of law and should be addressed in courts of law.

In the congregation in which my wife and I participate, in every worship service the pastor declares forgiveness of sin. As a person who often misses the mark and who falls short of the goals of my Christian calling, I welcome the declaration of sins forgiven. The declaration wipes my slate clean on the first day of the week. Christianity is not a faith of accusations and judgments. It is a faith of grace, love, forgiveness and kindness.

I am reminded of Christ’s words as he hung on the cross. Father, forgive them for they have no idea of what they are doing. The Hippy era, the Viet Nam War, and misguided sexual behavior need to be set aside once and for all. We did not know what we were doing. We continue to live in their wake.

It is time for an abundance of grace, mercy and a lot of kindness.

The Rev. Howard Bess is a retired American Baptists minister who lives in Palmer. His email address is hdbss@mtaonline.net.

.