Falling back Dubya style

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

I heard a rumor that one of the major networks is planning a new drama series based upon the George W. Bush administration. Though a name for the new series has not yet been finalized, executives are batting a few possibilities around. The title front-runner right now is "That '80s Show." If that one doesn't fly, another favorite is, "Like Father, Like Son." Another favorite is, "Waking, and then Appointing, the Dead."

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the Bush administration seems to be setting their clocks back a little too far this fall. I mean, Daylight Savings Time is annoying enough when we're only falling back one hour, but when the entire political scene falls back two decades, we've reached the point of absurdity.

I don't mean to be cruel, but when the newsroom staff began discussing the recent appointment of Henry Kissinger to the independent 9/11 commission, we all had pretty much the same reaction. "Kissinger? I thought he was dead." It's not that we wanted Kissinger to be dead. In fact, in a nostalgic kind of way, we're darned glad he's not dead. It's just that none of us expected him to make it to 126 years old. Apparently the formaldehyde baths are working out, after all. Good for him. If the Russians decide to pop Brezhnev out of the freezer, politics could get really fun again.

Is there anyone Dubya won't pull out of mothballs? I heard that when he runs for re-election, Dubya is going to switch to Andrew Johnson as his running mate -- like Abraham Lincoln did. You might think I'm joking, but you can't misunderestimate this president; just ask Herbert Hoover when he takes over the Feds next month.

It's like Dubya hopped into the way-back machine with Mr. Peabody and went hunting for a cabinet.

"Where should we go today, Sherm … er I mean, Dubya?"

"Golly, I don't know, Mr. Peabody. How about my Dad's and Ronald Reagan's administrations?"

"Uh … really?"

"Shucks, yes, Mr. Peabody. I've got a cabinet to build."

"We could go anywhere you want though, Dubya. We could go to Vegas when Bugsy was still in his prime. We could go hit Paris during the '20s."

"Nope. Let's go see Admiral Secord and good ol' Manuel Norriega!"

And it's not just the people Dubya missed. He's turning back the clock on all kinds of things. The environment comes to mind. Since James Watt and Herbert Hoover have convinced the president that there's no such thing as global warming or a non-renewable resource, we've pulled out all the stops on foresting, coal-burning plants and wildlife protections. Many people agree that Global Warming is a farce. I was just talking to a couple from Florida who are convinced it's just part of a plot by the solar energy industry to hurt petroleum companies. The couple just bought a winter home in the Valley where they could stay out of the cold weather.

I heard there was a recent flap over military training exercises that could destroy the habitat of several species of birds. The exercises will continue, however. It turns out the testing area is one of only a few places left where all the weapons can be used in coordinated training. And besides, if the birds become endangered, it'll actually be more fun for bird watchers. Bird lovers enjoy nothing more than spotting a rare bird. If the military can help out by making sparrows rare, all the better.

It follows the administration's logic behind increasing foresting efforts, too. Fewer forests means fewer forest fires, the administration told us. Who can argue with that?

At special anniversary celebrations this year, Love Canal will be poisoned in a dramatic ceremony, and the Niagara River will be loaded up with PCPs "just like the old days!" There's also going to be a special Independence Day "Glowing Light Display," at Three Mile Island this year.

Anyway, it's great to have some familiar faces and familiar headlines around again. I just hope Duran Duran doesn't start topping the charts again. There's only so much I can stand.

Frank Ameduri didn't like the '80s the first time around.