For these moms, Mother’s Day may be bittersweet, but love for their children lives on

A quote from an unknown author reads:

“A mother is always a mother. She never stops. She will care for, support and protect her children, even when they have grown up and have children of their own. Being a mother is something you can’t just turn off.”

Amidst the joy and happiness of Mother’s Day, what happens when tragedy strikes and a child is taken from a mother? It isn’t a group anyone seeks to be a part of, but for these mothers who have lost a child to substance use, they are bound together by their losses.

“This will be my 2nd Mother’s Day without my only child. I have no memory of the first Mother’s Day without Bruce. I do not know anything about overcoming the loss, I only seem to survive each day,” says Sandy Snodgrass, who lost her son Bruce in October, 2021.

The “who, what, when, where, and how’s” don’t matter. The details aren’t important. It is the insidious nature how their children died and what they are doing to change the narrative, work to make sure other mothers might not feel the same grief and loss, so that other mothers out there won’t have to be a part of this group.

Sandy says Bruce was a true Alaskan boy. “He loved everything about Alaska. He belonged in the wilderness and knew how to keep himself safe,” she said. It was the dangers her son found in the city she says caused his death. “He was deceived to death by fentanyl in the city.”

Sandy, who lost her son Bruce and is now a fierce fighter for legislation, named “Bruce’s Law,” to educate people to the dangers of fentanyl.

Sandy was there when Alaska Governor Mike Dunleavy spoke last year during a visit to True North Recovery in Wasilla, sharing her son’s story, then again while in Washington D.C., where she spoke out at the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration Family Summit on the Overdose Epidemic, and as Senators Murkowski and Sullivan have introduced “Bruce’s Law” legislation on the federal level.

“The reason I do this is part of a mother’s job is to take care of her child. I needed to shout from the mountaintops that my son had died and that he was murdered.”

That is a sentiment shared by Julie Taylor, whose son Taegge Lee died In July, 2021, who keeps his spirit present.

“I want people to know what an amazing son Taegge is! I’m not going to use the past tense because I know he is still here with me in spirit,” she says.

Since then, Julie, along with the other mothers who lost their kids to overdose are working to change the narrative of overdose, and working to change the law that would toughen penalties for the manufacturer and distribution of certain illegal substances.

House Bill 66, introduced by Governor Dunleavy, would make such actions resulting in death 2nd degree murder instead of manslaughter, eliminate “good time” credit for instances resulting in death and increase penalties for first-time offenders.

HB 66 just this week passed in the House by a 35-5 vote.

Julie has 3 surviving children and 9 grandchildren that keep her motivated to keep living, making memories, and moving forward, though the memory of Taegge is not far from her heart.

“I want to make Taegge proud of me for overcoming this heartbreaking grief by making a positive difference in the community and other individual’s lives. I want to show there is hope in this storm!”

Earlier this spring, with the help of her family, a scholarship named in Taegge’s honor was awarded to Caymen Kingery of Talkeetna, which will be used to help him earn his pilot’s license.

Another mom working to turn grief into something positive is Karen-Malcolm Smith, who lost her son Dylan to substance use disorder, and out of that, has been vital in creating “Dylan’s Place,” using the sale of her son’s house to create a home for others. “Dylan’s Place” is a home, but also serves as a management withdrawal center, the only one of its kind in Mat-Su or Anchorage.

“Connecting to Dylan’s suffering from addiction is second to the suffering I feel from losing him. Every time I see a young person enduring that suffering, my heart is torn; the stigma, the loss of connection, feeling unworthy. And especially, having nowhere to go for help. Honestly, my inspiration was God driven. And each day, I can continue to do something for Dylan, who would have laid down his life for anyone.”

Nicole Cleary is the newest member to this mom group. Her son Gage lost his battle in 2021.

“My son was the most loving, kindest person that went down a wrong path, with wrong choices,” she says, adding that it was his kindness and trust that led him to make a wrong choice. “Ultimately paid the price for those choices by entrusting people he thought he knew and trusted. He loved his family and his children. I think that if he could he would have wished he could change things and be with us here today.”

So where do these mothers find their greatest motivation to work for change?

“For me, it’s in hopes that I can maybe save someone’s life,” says Nicole. “The grief of a child will never go away, it’s just sitting there in the back waiting to come back out and knock you to your knees. Then you just pick yourself back up and keep moving upright and forward.”

Sandy says it is about her son, Bruce.

“My motivation and inspiration to do the work that I do comes directly from Bruce. Every person grieves differently and somehow for me doing this work, raising awareness about fentanyl is a way to keep Bruce with me. The work is a way for me to see some kind of point to his death. If there is no point then he is just dead.”

“For me, losing a child has made me cherish the memories and the time that I have with my 3 living children. It has made me extra aware of dangers which could be seen as a bad thing because sometimes I’m too protective,” says Julie.

And on the loss and grieving for their children, these moms say the pain is ever-present but never want another mother to feel their grief.

“One thing people need to know, is that the loss of a child is the worst possible pain any parent can endure. Hearing people say it gets better with time is drives me crazy, no parent should ever have to bury their child,” says Nicole, who says for her, grief and pain comes in waves.

“Who you were before things happened is long gone. All you can tell them is that I hope you never have to be in my shoes. I don’t think you ever overcome grief, you just learn to deal with it, make it more manageable.”

Sandy looks to the words of Greek poet Aeschylus, “Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.” The words, etched into history when Robert Kennedy had to deliver the news that Martin Luther King had been killed and urged others to quell violence and lawlessness. And while the circumstances were different, the meaning reverberates: the pain of grief brings wisdom and experience; and in the end, the grace of God is present even when in loss.

“This quote captures how I feel most days,” says Sandy.

For Karen, she finds solace in connections, and keeping Dylan alive.

“It was paramount for me to “suit up, and show up”, a 12-step principle. That meant leaning into any inspiration in front of me; grief and pastoral counseling, connection with other surviving parents, and finding something each day to keep Dylan alive by helping others.”

She says that making connections with others has helped overcome the paralyzing guilt that most parents could easily relate to, the lingering questions of “What I could have done differently?”

“We all do the best we can do based on our knowledge at the time and how we are effected by trying to change what may be out of our control; out of their control. Our children were trapped in addiction, and focusing on the good helps us separate their humanness from the disease that robbed their life.”

On this Mother’s Day, these mothers look to their faith as a source of comfort.

“My goal as a mother is to be as nurturing and positive as I can be and to rise above my pain and turn that pain into beauty in my children’s and grandchildren’s lives!” says Julie, who looks to Proverbs 31: 28, which in part reads “Her children arise up, and call her blessed.”

“I want my children to rise up and call me blessed! Because they have blessed me beyond measure!”

For Karen, she looks to the Scripture and the promise of faith, “blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.’ It came to fruition! And of course, I in no way believe this is the end.”

And as these moms reflect, they want people to remember their sons for the beauty they brought before being lost to substance use disorder.

“He was young man with an uncanny kinship for wildlife, was a free-solo mountain climber, and someone who had plans to be a wilderness guide here in Alaska,” Sandy said last year.

“He was so much more than an addict. He was kind and loving, a beautiful poet and artist! He had compassion for those less fortunate than himself. He never looked at anybody through negative eyes, he always found at least one thing positive.”

“Dylan’s moral fiber was rare for this generation. He fought his addiction with all that he had and because he was so independent and courageous,” says Karen, who wants others to take this message to heart, “Dylan was determined to use his own willpower to recover. It wasn’t until the end that he realized that true courage comes in asking for help.”

“He enjoyed singing, playing his guitar, and making funny jokes and videos. Gage was very funny and loved by so many. No words can express the loss we all feel. He would want everyone happy and to know he loved you with all his heart,” says Nicole of her son.

“There’s a poem I live by that says, ‘when all that’s left of me is love, give me away.’”