Forgiveness to let it go, not forget

Forgive me. We hear it over and over again in our society. While it may be easy to forgive our spouse or kids for snapping at us on a bad day, or forgive our in-laws for being nosy, what about those things that hurt us deeply? What about things that make us feel like we can never trust that person again?

"Forgiveness is an action, not a feeling," said Paul Macke, a pastoral counselor. "It has nothing to do with the other person, it's all about you. You are in control."

Macke says that true forgiveness is acknowledging things that a person did or did not do that hurt you, and then deciding that you are not going to let the memory of that incident hurt you any more.

Macke says that in order to forgive, you must be able to name what is hurting you. A person must acknowledge grief from what that person did, and then let it go. He says that a mistake many people make is to confront the person they are forgiving.

"You don't go to the other person and say 'I've forgiven you'," Macke said. "It may be seen as an attack, especially if that person doesn't know you are still upset."

Macke also says that in forgiving things that have caused a lot of turmoil or physical pain, it may not be safe to talk to the person you are forgiving, such as an abusive ex-partner or a mean-spirited acquaintance.

"It may not be helpful to confront the person you are forgiving," Macke said. "Just tell someone you trust, and then let go."

Macke says to remember that forgiveness is not forgetting. While you may not ever forget what someone did to you, and subsequently never trust that person again, you can make a conscious decision to make amends, and not allow what that person did bother you any more.

"Forgiveness is for our own self being," Macke said. "It is the only route from violence to healing."

Grieve to find forgiveness

To forgive, you first have to acknowledge what it is you are forgiving, says Macke. Sometimes, if the hurt is great, there has to be a grieving period before a person can let go. Below are some suggestions for self-care during times of grief or loss:

Eat regularly and sleep well.

Follow daily routines as much as possible; include periods of relaxation.

Give yourself times of solitude to assimilate your grief.

Find a person who is able to listen well.

Avoid making important decisions.

Tell yourself that grief will pass and your life will begin again.

Choose relaxation, leisure or a massage over tranquilizers and alcohol.

Surround yourself with other people or living things, such as plants and animals.

Take time to really heal; avoid seeking comfort in false well being.

Renew your spiritual resources.