Fun for Christmas, or any other day

It’s that time of the year when companies rub their greedy little hands together and employ aggressive (and usually very annoying) marketing campaigns to suck our collective wallets and purses dry. And I’m not just talking about the obvious places — toy stores, major clothing retailers, etc. Even places you’d never think of when you think of the holidays will try to get in on the frenzy.

Christmas will be used to try and get you to spend your money on oil changes, seafood and firearms (“look what Santa put in your stocking darling, a pretty Smith & Wesson .357 and a box of hollow points!”). I am more and more amazed every year at the businesses that are creative enough to somehow hitch their wagon to Christmas.

So far my unofficial “Compton Award for Somehow Sponging Off of Christmas” goes to the septic service I heard advertising on the radio the other day. What wife wouldn’t love the gift of having your septic tank serviced? Will the guy dress like Santa as he’s pumping out your sewage? So, in order to entertain and amuse myself (as well as maybe sneak in a little revenge) I have made a list of a few things I sometimes do for fun, especially his time of year.

My top-10 list:

1. You know those bored teenagers working the cash register or drive through? The ones who dump your change back into your hand coins-first thereby guaranteeing that you’ll drop them on the ground? After they parrot the standard (and worn-out) “have a nice day” to you, try to get their name so you can call them later to let them know how your day went. Make sure to express how flattered you were that they were concerned about the quality of your day. Actually, this isn’t just for the holidays — it’s fun any day of the year!

2. Tired of being a loyal, good customer only to have to prove to the store that you’re not stealing from them after paying? Here’s some fun; after paying for an item, remove it from the bag as soon as you clear checkout. Stuff the bag and receipt into your pockets. Then, as you get ready to pass the person at the door asking to check your bags, tuck the item under your arm and run like crazy for your car. If they have a young employee chase after you, pull out your receipt right as you get to your car. They love that and will no doubt be laughing with you.

3. Find out what the hot items are this Christmas and find one you like. Go to the store and buy it. Then, as you walk out the front of the store, hold it up and yell excitedly, “I GOT THE LAST ONE! I GOT THE LAST ONE! YAY ME!” All those entering the store will believe that you did indeed get the last one and will no doubt share in your glory. Or, after reading the news last week, maybe they’ll just beat you up.

4. Tell your children that you heard on the news that Santa is gravely ill this year and the toys are being delivered instead by his alternate, Eddie the Grumbling Elf. He doesn’t have the ability to use Santa’s flying sleigh, so he’ll be relying on public transportation or maybe his cousin’s ’81 Malibu. Since he’s not as forgiving as Santa and it’s twice as hard for him to deliver the toys, he scratches twice as many kids off the list for even minor offenses (like not washing hands after going to the bathroom). So, they’d best be twice as good to make the cut.

5. Attach a pair of fake Santa legs sticking out of the top of your chimney. Find a way to attach something to them so they wave around as if in distress. Or, if that’s too much work, place bear traps around the roof where the neighborhood kids will see them. “Bait” them with milk and cookies.

6. At a friend’s house for a Christmas party? Do they have Christmas music playing? If so, wait for one being sung by Barbra Streisand or Michael Jackson. Point out that Barbra is Jewish and Michael was a Jehovah’s Witness, therefore neither one of them celebrated Christmas, and they must have just recorded a Christmas album in order to make a few bucks. That always brings a lively and interesting discussion to any Christmas party.

7. Tell your family that you saw this thing on the news about how the hippies are trying to change gift-giving and you thought you’d give it a try; this year, the family is only allowed to exchange gifts that they made with their hands using materials that are recycled (remember, it’s not called garbage). No doubt they’ll be impressed with your newfound devotion to the environment and resistance to materialism and corporate greed.

8. Every year the flash-in-the-pan pop stars feel the need to mangle Christmas music with their own versions. Remember that Christmas party I mentioned earlier? When nobody is looking, swap out their CD with one you made with all of this year’s brutal renditions. Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga — all the absolute worst. See how long it takes before somebody just can’t help but say something. “What the heck is that racket? A cat caught in a fan belt?”

9. Tell bell-ringers that you used to be in the Salvation Army Special Forces. Tell him/her that you jumped out of planes with a bucket and a bell. If he/she laughs, give them an extra buck.

10. You know that cool thing they do up here every Christmas Eve wherein they pretend that the Air Force has picked up an unidentified flying object tracking south from the North Pole (wink, wink) and they’re sending up F-15s to intercept? Did it ever occur to them that children were in terror of poor Santa getting caught up in some “Top Gun” dogfight, hopelessly trying to outmaneuver a state-of-the-art fighter-jet in a rickety sleigh being pulled by a few caribou? Rudolf’s nose being a heck of a heat signature for a Sidewinder missile? Well, now that you’re an adult, you can really have some fun with that when your own children are watching!

So there you have it. Ben’s top 10 list of fun ways to make it through the holidays. Enjoy!

Ben Compton is a Palmer resident and publishes his column under the tagline “Compton’s Corner,” the same title used by his grandmother, Phyllis Compton, a longtime Frontiersman columnist.