Get to know ‘Gov. Flip Windsock’

The following is an interview with a fictional candidate for president of the United States. The interviewer — myself — is confabbing with presidential candidate Gov. Flip Windsock. Any similarity to actual characters is completely intentional.

CL: Governor Windsock, you have been accused of changing your position to suit your audience. For example, while speaking to a room full of wealthy campaign contributors, you characterized 47 percent of the country as impotent freeloaders who consider themselves victims, and you said that you are not concerned about their welfare. Later at a campaign stump speech, you said you were concerned about 100 percent of the people. How do you reconcile these two statements?

FW: It’s simple. I give the people what they want. Rich, authoritarian, plutocrats, like me, want to feel superior. These are my people, and I know how their minds work. If I were to tell them something like “we’re all in this together,” or “it’s time you helped clean up the mess you’ve made of the world economy,” it would undermine their complacency. A few might even question their places as masters of the universe and that would be bad for everyone. I hope you see where I’m going with this.

On the other hand, those victims in the 47 percent, like disabled military veterans and Social Security layabouts, want to feel victimized. I give them that opportunity because, after all, I’m all about opportunity. Of course, some of them don’t know what to do with an opportunity and so for those folks I say that I’m concerned about 100 percent of the people. Again, I’m giving the public what it wants. It’s a solid business model that works for everything from pornography to politics.

Most in politics employ this basic strategy, but I have raised it to an art. I’ve used the same tactic for health care, reproductive rights, the economy — you name it. At some point, I’ve held a position on any given issue that’s in agreement with any given voter. You see, I really am concerned about 100 percent of the people and I have the statements to prove it.

CL: You’ve mentioned the economy, governor, so let’s pursue that for a while. You have said that you plan to cut taxes for everyone, raise spending for the military and reduce the deficit. How is this possible?

FW: Again, there’s a simple answer to that. Unfortunately it’s too simple for me give you any details. I can say, however, that the cornerstone of my plan is to do away with loopholes in the tax code. Things like mortgage deductions and child tax credits will be gone. No more free ride for underemployed, underwater homeowners with kids to feed. This alone will do a lot to ... um ... I mean, for the middle class, or at least what’s left of it. But under my administration I expect all of us to share the burden, even the 1 percenters like me, so tax credits for the wealthy will also be on the table. Reinvestment and depreciation costs will no longer be written off ...

CL: Wait a minute, governor. Isn’t reinvestment a major component of a healthy, growing economy? Isn’t depreciation a drag on business growth that should be mitigated by tax breaks? Doesn’t it stimulate business to get a break on the cost of doing business? It sounds to me like your plan will have a dampening effect on the economy.

FW: You see, this is why I shouldn’t go into too much detail about my plan to get the country going again. My running mate, Eddie Munster, and I have said time and time again that our campaign will not be held hostage by fact checkers, or even facts.

Look, I’m a business guy and right now my business is to get elected. I have shown over and over that I will say and do some pretty astonishing things to accomplish that goal. That alone should demonstrate my earnestness and show you what sort of a president I will be.

I know what’s good for business. Eddie and I have run the numbers and they work. Trust us. After all, have I done anything that would make you doubt my sincerity?

CL: This is my final question for you Mr. Windsock. It appears to me your whole approach to this campaign is a bit cynical. You seem to think you can say anything to ingratiate yourself to anyone. It doesn’t matter if what you say today directly contradicts what you said yesterday. Don’t you think this approach shows an astounding disrespect for the voters?

FW: Again, the answer to this question is very simple. All you have to do is take a look at my record. At one time or another I’ve said:

• “I respect and will protect a woman’s right to choose” and “I am pro-life.”

• “I don’t line up with the NRA” and “I’m a member of the NRA.”

• “I believe humans contribute to global warming” and “we don’t know what’s causing climate change.”

• “I believe the tax on capital gains should be zero” and “it’s a tax break for fat-cats.”

• “I longed to be in Vietnam” and “it was not my desire to serve in Vietnam.”

• “We are going to reduce taxes on everyone across the country by 20 percent, including the top 1 percent” and “I will not reduce taxes paid by high-income Americans.”

• “I support the Department of Education” and “we need to get the federal government out of education.”

• “On day one of my presidency I will take steps to end Obamacare” and “of course, there are a number of things that I like in health care reform that I’m going to put in place. One is to make sure that those with pre-existing conditions can get coverage.”

Now that last one doesn’t mean that we will actually make insurance companies cover people with pre-existing conditions. It just means that we like to say we will.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. My position on any given subject should tell you exactly what I think of the voting public. I hope this makes your choice on Nov. 6 an easy one.

Chuck Legge is a freelance political cartoonist who lives in Sutton. His political cartoons, “The World According to Chuck,” are printed in the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman and other newspapers around the state and nation.