Getting to the best years of marriage

“I was married to that girl 62 years,” Troy exclaimed as my son and his fellow boy scouts shoveled gravel from Troy’s truck for a project. Troy Williams was in his late eighties, a rancher and cowboy during his working years. He and his wife Virginia had raised four children and a grandchild. “What years were the best years?” I asked Troy. I was happily married with four thriving children. In my mind, nothing could be better than the present. His response surprised me: “The last years,” he quickly replied.

How do you get to those last golden years Troy was talking about? Our society has plenty of behavioral tips, from the “love languages” to “looking out for number one.” Here are some thoughts about keeping marriage strong and vibrant so you can get to the long-awaited “best years.”

God ordained marriage in the Garden of Eden: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24 KJV). God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone.” Since God ordained marriage, He will help strengthen marriages.

I attended a workshop given by Palmer marriage counselor Darcy Logan. I found two of her points to be very helpful. First, pray every day to know what you can do to strengthen your marriage. God knows what you and your spouse need. Second, remember that things won’t always be exactly how you want them to be. “Sometimes you’re the statue, and sometimes you’re the pigeon.”

Marriage and family therapist Wendy Watson Nelson shares four Christ-centered principles for sustaining a strong and fulfilling marriage:

Truth Number 1: “Truths about love and marriage are brought to you by the Holy Ghost from our Heavenly Father. He decreed marriage to be an irreplaceable component of His plan of happiness.” The Spirit is the messenger of these truths.

Truth #2: Personal purity is the key to true love. The purer your thoughts and feelings, your words and actions, the greater your capacity to give and receive true love.

Truth #3: “As an important part of the expression of their love, the Lord wants a husband and wife to partake of the wonders and joys of marital intimacy. Marital intimacy is ordained by God. It is commended by Him because it draws a husband and wife closer together and closer to the Lord! True marital intimacy involves the whole soul of each spouse.”

“Truth #4: For true marital intimacy, the [Lord] needs to be involved. It is simply not possible to have the kind of intimate experiences outside of marriage that you can have within because the Spirit [of the Lord] will not be present…. With worldly sex, individuals can feel used, abused, and ultimately more lonely. With marital intimacy, spouses feel more united and loved, more nurtured and understood. Worldly sex becomes a total obsession because it never fulfills its promises. God-ordained marital intimacy is glorious” (“Love and Marriage,” 2017).

In the article “Healthy, Wealthy & Wed,” University of Chicago Sociologist Linda Waite found that “marriage itself is good for your physical and mental health, good for your financial stability, good for your sex life, good for your kids—good for almost every aspect of what many Americans consider a happy life.” Marriages don’t have to be perfect to provide all these benefits. Waite describes them as “OK” marriages.

Her study also found that people who were unhappy with their marriages, when interviewed five years later, were found to be happy in the same marriages, while those who divorced were still unhappy. “‘The general pattern,’ Waite says, ‘is that people who stay in an unhappy marriage are at least as well off as those who divorce. I don’t give advice. All we can say is, the suggestion is that a lot of things that make [married] people unhappy don’t stay.’”

Additionally, Waite found in her studies that “cohabitators are generally less happy and less satisfied with their sex lives than the wed. In fact, two other large studies of couples led by the University of Chicago and the University of Denver psychologists showed that married people have more sex than single people do, and they enjoy it more, both physically and emotionally” (University of Chicago magazine, October 2003).

If your marriage is at a dull spot, don’t give up! Better days are ahead. Pray for guidance to see what changes you can make and what community or therapeutic resources could help you. If you are finding joy in your marriage and family life, keep going! The “best years” are still coming. God ordained marriage, and He will sustain you in your marriage so you can also get to “the best years.”

Beth Wright’s great love is her family. She enjoys Alaskan adventures and loves being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.