Gums of war

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

Scene: A large hotel elevator trapped between floors. In the elevator are President George W. Bush, a secret service agent named Rex, Saddam Hussein and North Korea's Kim Jong Il. (Note: Kim Jong Il is known for his passion for American popular music and films).

BUSH: Oh, great. What's going on?

SADDAM: The elevator stopped.

BUSH: I can see that. What did you do?

SADDAM: I was just standing here.

IL: (singing) We're caught in a trap. We can't get out, because I love you too much, baaaaaby …

SADDAM: You're not gonna do that all day, are you?

BUSH: Don't encourage him. Just ignore him.

Saddam takes a pack of gum out of a pocket and pops a stick into his mouth. He slips the pack into a jacket pocket. Bush holds a hand up to his mouth and exhales, sniffing his breath.

BUSH: Saddam. Give me a piece of that gum.

SADDAM: What gum?

BUSH: The gum you put in your pocket. Gimme a piece.

SADDAM: (blows a bubble) I don't have any gum. I don't even like gum.

BUSH: I know you have gum. I saw it.

IL: (takes a pack of gum out of pocket and waves it around behind Bush's head) (singing) Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? Hey. Bush. I got some gum here with your name on it.

BUSH: I can't even hear you, Il. Fork it over Saddam.

SADDAM: I told you. I don't have any gum.

BUSH: Prove it.

Saddam turns out his pants pockets.

BUSH: I know you have gum. I saw it. There's other places to hide gum.

SADDAM: I'm not showing you any of those places while he's in here. (nods toward Il). Anyway, how can I prove I don't have something?

BUSH: If I have to send Rex over there, you'll not only give up the gum, but you won't be in this elevator anymore, either.

SADDAM: Oh, yeah? Well, how does Rex handle pepper spray?

BUSH: You weren't supposed to bring pepper spray into this building!

SADDAM: I don't have any pepper spray.

BUSH: You just said you did. Now give up the pepper spray.

Kim Jong Il takes out a can of pepper spray and aims it at Bush.

IL: Now, we all know I sprayed a couple of bell hops in the lobby this morning, and there's only about five good squirts in the can. So you have to ask yourself, did I squirt five bell hops or just four? So, do you feel lucky? Well, do ya … punk? That's Clint Eastwood … Dirty Harry. Great flick.

Rex steps between Il and Bush. Il moves the can from side to side, and Rex matches the movements to protect the president.

BUSH: Don't even acknowledge him, Rex. He'll just squawk louder and louder the more attention you give him. (turns to Saddam). OK, you kook. Now hand over all the gum, all the pepper spray and whatever else you're hiding, and get off the elevator.

SADDAM: I don't have any gum. I don't have any pepper spray, and the elevator is stuck. I've got no place to go.

BUSH: Trust me. If Rex has to come over there, you'll find all kinds of ways off this elevator. Most of 'em won't feel too good, either.

Saddam takes a small canister out of a jacket pocket and puts it in an inside vest pocket.

BUSH: What was that? Was that pepper spray?

SADDAM: What was what? You're paranoid. You're trying to make me look bad.

IL takes a hand grenade out of his Elvis lunch pail and pulls the pin and then puts the pin back a couple of times.

IL: (singing) It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!

REX: Mr. President. The little guy with the bouffant has a grenade.

BUSH: He's not the threat in here. Saddam's got gum and what might be pepper spray. Nobody in this hotel is gonna be safe until we get that gum and what might be pepper spray away from him. In fact, nobody's gonna be safe until he's laying at the bottom of the elevator shaft.

Il pulls the pin again and fumbles with it trying to get it back into the grenade. Rex lunges toward him in an attempt to get the pin and grenade. Il manages to replace the pin and takes a step back. He holds the grenade in front of Rex with his finger looped through the pin.

IL: Go ahead. Make my day. You'll never take me alive, copper.

REX: Good lord. This is intolerable.

BUSH: This is your last chance Hussein. I don't even care about the gum or what might be pepper spray anymore. From here on out, I want your wacky butt off this elevator, and I don't care how. It's not a matter of whether you're gettin' out, now it's just a question of when.

SADDAM: Bring it on, skinny. Don't ask your daddy for advice about how to kick Saddam out of an elevator, though. Puts his hand inside his vest pocket and takes a menacing step towards Rex.

Il pulls the pin again, and this time it falls to the floor and slips through a crack near the door.

IL: Uh-oh. I have a bad feeling about this, Chewbacca.

Frank Ameduri is not able to confirm nor deny whether this conversation ever actually took place.