Halloween candy power rankings: For the love of caramel

I have spent exactly zero dollars in the duration of my lifetime on Halloween costumes. In my house, Oct. 31 is more commonly referred to as Reformation Day, anyhow. What I am proposing to trick-or-treaters tonight is simple: covet the caramel. As a reporter, I’m constantly inundated with stats and figures on various topics. As I have ventured into the world of becoming a political reporter, I have come across various sources for information on polling data and my favorite, interactive maps. Nate Silver started 538 with politics, but I often find myself on their website in a maze of sports statistics. Walt Hickey wrote “The Ultimate Halloween Candy Power Ranking” for 538 on Oct. 27 and got most of the list wrong. While I may have no interest in costumes, I am a candy connoisseur.

fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-ultimate-halloween-candy-power-ranking/

Here are my issues with their list, which is supported by polling data, but ignores the effect on taste buds.

I have here the definitive list of the best candy to reach for in the candy bowl this evening.

100 Grand

Hickey has the 100 Grand buried at No. 14. I can tell you I have done extensive research, and while peanut butter is a heavy hitter, the 100 Grand is a five-tool player that hits for power and average. The crispy crunchy top layer of rice over caramel is the perfect mix of texture and taste, and is not to be overlooked. As an added plus for hipsters Halloweeners, refer to the 100 Grand as it’s former name, ‘The Hundred Thousand Dollar Bar,’ because while both the candy and the name are both a mouthful, knowing something about candy that others may have overlooked can help catapult your candy career to superior sugar highs.

Snickers

I admit, I am a sucker for simple advertising, and what does a Snickers bar do other than satisfy? I will simply recall the lyrics to an old Snickers add that I often find myself humming with a mouth full of caramel, nougat and peanuts.

“Happy peanuts soar over chocolate covered mountain tops and waterfalls of caramel. Prancing nougat in the meadow sings a song of satisfaction to the world… the world.”

Twix

While left and right is not only a debate for the politicos of the world, both left and right Twix provide what no other candy bar can.

“Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch!” George Costanza said in an episode of Seinfeld. George was enraged over the thievery of a tasty Twix bar and alleged that an employee at an auto shop had evidence of chocolate and cookie crumbs. While George was right to be enraged, with the Twix bar, you don’t have to choose left or right.

(Authors note: Are you noticing a trend here? The first three spots in the order all bring caramel to the plate. It’s salty, it’s sweet, it’s delicious to eat. Caramel rules)

Milky Way

While this candy bar doesn’t offer any clever advertising strategies or nifty strategies, the classic bar shape with loads of nougat and caramel are the ying to a snickers’ yang. Milky way is Ken Griffey Jr, smooth and savory. You don’t think of ‘The Kid’ as a home run hitter, Junior Griffey was regarded as more of a pure hitter. But more often than not, the purity of his cracks exited the yard in dazzling fashion. The Milky Way is the often overlooked bar that delivers every time.

Rolo

While this unique drop of caramel and chocolate may not be a favorite of ‘the youths,’ they were a special part of my childhood, as they were my father’s favorite candy. He would drive me around visiting folks to pray with them and offer them communion, and sometimes he would buy a pack of Rolo’s for the trip. I would be allowed one or maybe two if I was lucky, and then ask to be left in the car when he went in to visit. When he returned, the whole entire roll of Rolo’s was gone. I have no idea how this happened. I think Rolo’s are so enticing because they’re unique and irresistable. No other candy comes packaged the way that Rolo’s are.

Honorable Mentions:

Kit Kat; Starburst; Butterfinger; Crunch; Skittles

While Halloween has never been my forte, I do not carry the animosity for Halloween as I do for other greeting-card holidays. Halloween was not created to sell cards, but to sell candy, and that’s a kind of capitalism I can get behind.

PROTIP: For folks who will be supplying the Trick-or-Treaters with portions of what will surely be a sugar overload, put out some salmon dip or smoked salmon for a tasty treat!

Contact Frontiersman reporter Tim Rockey at tim.rockey@frontiersman.com. Rockey’s column, “At the Plate,” is an occasional feature combining Rockey’s first two loves, baseball and food.