Heed the warning signs

Professionals who work with battered women say there are several red flags of impending domestic violence. Knowing what to look for can help women avoid becoming victims.

"Domestic violence isn't always an anger issue," said Marj Blixhavn, executive director of Abused Women's Aid In Crisis. "It can be power and control. There are things to watch for that are more controlling than anger."

Men who try to keep their partner from getting a job, or make her ask for money are showing classic signs of control, Blixhavn said. Another common tactic is to isolate the woman by not allowing her to call relatives or have friends.

"It can be threats, especially threats that involve the children or pets," she said. "Something like 'I'll take the kids' or 'I'll kill the pet.' If he feels entitled to control her, that's when things can go bad."

Blixhavn said the most important thing is to bring such behavior into the light.

"It's really important to tell someone," she said. "How this can operate so well is in secrecy. Tell a co-worker or friend, and keep telling until you find someone who believes you."

A spokeswoman at Victims for Justice said the organization has a list of signs that indicate a battering personality.

Jealousy. At the start of a relationship, an abuser will equate jealousy with love. He will question the victim about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or become jealous of time spent with others.

Controlling behavior. The batterer may assume all control of finances or prevent their partner from coming and going at will.

Quick involvement. A battered woman often has known or dated her abuser for less than six months before getting married, becoming engaged or living together. An abuser will pressure their partner to commit to the relationship.

Unrealistic expectations. An abuser expects their partner to meet all of his or her needs by taking care of the abuser's emotional or domestic needs.

Isolation. An abuser will try to sever their victim's ties to outside support and resources. The abuser may prevent access to use of a vehicle, work, or telephone service at home.

Blames others for problems. An abuser blames others for their shortcomings, and the victim or potential victim will be blamed for almost anything that goes wrong.

Blames others for feelings. An abuser will use feelings to manipulate the victim. A common phrase is, "You're hurting me by not doing as I want."

Hypersensitivity. An abusive person is easily insulted. He or she perceives the slightest setback as a personal attack.

Cruelty to animals or children. Watch out for anyone who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. He or she may expect children to perform beyond their capability, such as whipping a 2-year-old for wetting a diaper.

"Playful" use of force in sex. This includes restraining partners against their will during sex, acting out fantasies in which the partner is helpless, initiating sex when the partner is asleep, or demanding sex when the partner is ill or tired. An abuser shows little concern for his partner's wishes and will use sulking and anger to manipulate compliance.

Ginger Prescott is a rural advocate in Alaska Family Resource Center's Wasilla office. She emphasizes that having just one or two of the indicators doesn't mean a person is a batterer. However, if several of the personality traits are exhibited it's time to watch out.

"Some of the indicators we see is generational history in the family," she said. "Look at how they treat their mother, how the father treats his wife, and the relationship between the abuser and his siblings."

Domestic violence is a learned behavior, she said. It's not something someone is born with, and it doesn't result from a chemical imbalance.

That's why the resource center is focusing heavily on prevention.

"We're going into churches, day cares and schools and training people so our children can grow up knowing there is a difference," Prescott said.

Tammy Pennington is a relief advocate in the Alaska Family Resource Center's shelter in Palmer. Most of the women who seek refuge in the shelter report a steady escalation of abuse, she said.

"They'll say, 'Yeah, he hit me six years ago but swore he'd never do it again.' Then it becomes more common. Another common factor we see is verbal abuse coming before the physical abuse. That's definitely domestic violence, too.

"A super common phrase we get from women is 'I'd rather he hit me than do this,'" Pennington said of psychological abuse.

A person's background can be a key tip-off to possible future abuse, she added, saying 85 percent of those from a home where battering occurred become batterers themselves.

"Kids do what they see," Pennington said. "If Dad gains a lot of power that way, or Mom does, they learn from that."