Hey, buddy, I've got this bridge …

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

Let me run a hypothetical by you. I know this is far-fetched, but try to stay with me for the sake of argument.

Let's say this guy stops by your house and says, "Congratulations! You've just been selected for the prestigious Smartest Guy on the Planet award!"

"Wow," you might say. "That's great. What do I get?"

"Buddy, you're not going to believe it. We're going to give you a photo album of digital pictures of you doing really smart guy stuff. We're also going to give you a trophy made of real brass on a real wood pedestal. You'll also get a certificate that says "Smartest Guy" on it, and you'll get a full-page color ad in the local newspaper that announces that you're the smartest guy."

"Holy cow," you say. "What do I need to do to get all that?"

"All you need to do is provide a check for $8,000 to cover some of the overhead, and we'll get the ball rolling right away."

"Oh. Uh. After I pay the $8,000, will there be like an awards banquet where I get a cash prize or something? You know, like $25,000 or something?"

"Nope."

"Hmm. How did I win this award? What smart things have I done?"

"That's the even better part. You tell us whatever you want in the photo album and written on the certificate."

"So, you don't actually know of anything smart I've done."

"No," the smiling man says, "but I know you're smart enough not to turn down an honor like this."

"Well, what does this award get me?"

"Are you kidding? This is official, pal. From now on you can include in your resum/ that you are officially the smartest guy on the planet. How many people can say that?"

"I don't know," you say. "How many other people have been selected for this honor?"

"Do you mean on this street?"

"Never mind. I'm flattered, but I think I'll have to pass."

"I hate to hear you say that, friend. Say, do you know when your neighbor gets home from work? Nobody seems to be answering the door over there."

So you think that's funny, right? A little far-fetched? Think again. The city of Wasilla recently paid $29,900 to Pat Summerall Productions for the honor of being named a "Champion of Industry." The award comes with a five-minute video touting the champion-like stature of the city and a two-minute commercial spot on CNN television.

The president of the Summerall company has been quoted as saying the whole thing is paid publicity, rather than a traditional award. CNN is careful to include a disclaimer that clearly points out that the spot is paid advertising, and is in no way affiliated with CNN.

So what's the upside here? It's true that it's nice to have a marketing video that celebrates the growth and opportunities of your town.

I suppose a two-minute commercial on CNN has something going for it, though I'm not clear exactly what that would be. Is industry really watching CNN to see who the next Summerall Champion of Industry is so they can move operations there? Probably not.

I'm also pretty sure that the $29,900 covers the cost of the video, the television commercial and leaves enough to provide Pat Summerall with a very satisfied smile.

There's no telling what Wasilla government was thinking on this one, but I've got to wonder how the taxpayers of that fair city feel about dropping $29,900 for a video and a TV commercial.

I also have to wonder how long it will be before that marketing move pays big dividends for the city. I'm guessing most major companies are familiar with how the Summerall award works, and I wonder if that takes some of the shine off the trophy, in their eyes.

The city manager of another city that "won" the award in 2003 said the city hadn't recouped the money, yet. That city paid $25,000 for the award.

Interestingly, the mayor of Wasilla can spend discretionary funds up to $30,000 without council approval -- just $100 more than the "discounted" cost of the award. I hate to be suspicious, but I wonder if the production company has an inkling of how much discretionary money is available before they offer the discount.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the president of General Motors was watching CNN when the two-minute spot aired, and he's planning to move North American operations to Wasilla.

Maybe Bill Gates will receive a copy of the video, and he'll realize that Wasilla is the right place for Microsoft.

Somehow, my suspicious side tells me that Pat Summerall will receive more benefit from this award than Wasilla ever will, though. My practical side tells me there must have been better things to spend that money on.

Frank Ameduri is not the smartest guy on the planet.