How to deal with a child's problem

School Days By CAROL LOWERY

Some children are very plainspoken when they have a problem. They may announce it with soft whispers and tears or defiant foot-stamping shouts, but they let you know that something is very wrong in their world.

Other children are more subtle. It may take you two or three days to realize that your child has had a "really, really bad" stomach ache or headache every morning recently but that same child has been up bouncing around the house and demanding a big breakfast by 10 a.m. each day.

When you realize that there is a problem, and start trying to understand what your child really means, you may hear statements like,"My teacher is so mean," or"Nobody likes me," or "I'm not ever going back to that dumb old school."

Your first impulse may be to storm over to the school, demand to see the principal, and get that school straightened out. Stop! Before you do that, there are some positive actions you can take that may help your child have a more successful school life.

First, talk with your child.

Listen carefully to what they say, and how they say it, and ask leading questions. Use your knowledge of your child to evaluate whether they are exaggerating what has happened, and how serious the problem is.

Next, you will probably need to go to school to find some answers to some of your questions, but you need to do it in a concerned but friendly mode. Instead of going directly to the principal at first, go talk with your child's teacher. Make an appointment to go in before or after school, so you will be able to talk with the teacher without a classroom full of children listening in, and so you can have the teacher's full attention.

Listen with an open mind to what the teacher says. If the problem is between your child and another, the teacher may not have seen what is happening since they have 25 children to work with and they will be glad for your insight. If the problem is with a specific child, tell the teacher what your child feels is happening, but be willing to listen to both sides.

If bullying is the difficulty, be firm in insisting that it stop!

If the problem is between your child and the teacher, don't automatically ask to take the child out of the class. Instead, let the teacher know you will be willing to help your child deal with the problem and ask for suggestions, then ask for actions the teacher will be taking. Listen openly for possible solutions.

Most importantly, let your child know you are concerned about their problem, that you love them and will try to help them find ways to solve it, but that their job is to go to school and learn. Unless you are willing to home-school your child, you must be willing to be firm about sending them to school.

It may help to have the other parent take them to school for a few days. Be matter-of-fact about the inevitability that they will go, and they will usually be fine in a few days. If not, a visit to your pediatrician may be in order to see if there is a physical or emotional problem that is obvious.

Carol Lowery is a retired elementary school teacher.