I love fair food

I will start this, my first column, by stating what many may not want to hear. I have eaten my way through the fair (at least) once a year since my birth nearly 26 years ago. I have utilized various means, methods, and philosophies, and I am not here for any of your input. I know exactly how to eat. I set out to drive my tastebuds wild and get my stomach working overtime, strolling through the Alaska State Fair to find the most unique and jaw-dropping menu items under the Ferris wheel.

Eating strategies I did not employ

No. 1: I have, begrudgingly, gone for the convenient fair food before. Nothing is ‘fast,’ as it is difficult to find a vendor that doesn’t have a line a mile long. For the purpose of this article, I suffered through weekend lines on a sunny afternoon to determine which food was the best. I did not do this for me or my own enjoyment, but thought about you, the readers, whilst waiting for the greasy goodness.

No. 2: I have never, and will never, seek out the healthiest options of fair food. If you would like a depiction of the prettiest vegetables, I’m sure that it is out there somewhere, but it is not here. This is the carbo-loading Olympics. I am a veteran of BBQ’s in between a double header, and I went out to set a new calorie intake high score this weekend at the fair.

No. 3: I have also given a ‘Greatest Hits’ tour of Fair food before. Debate has long been fought by vendors, keyboard warriors and foodies from here to Healy, but I was not determined to find out which one of the classic Alaska State Fair staples were still awesome. Clearly, they’ve earned their reputation for a reason, and I’ll allow them to live on their laurels. I set out to see if I could be surprised.

How I ate my way through the fair

Assisted by my fabulous photographer and sister, Mary, I perused the list of every single food vendor the Alaska State Fair allows to operate. We weeded out what we knew to be the classics and found food that could be compared to that of other vendors. Driven by intense hunger, I let my impulses make a lot of decisions, as I think is only… fair. My state fair food frenzy is, and may never be over, but this is what I consumed on one day.

Judgment factors

As I am a man of considerable beard, I will detail exactly how many napkins are needed to successfully eat these items. Also I will tell you how many Mmmm’s are required upon consumption. I attempted to, but did not finish every plate put in front of me. I will also give one final judgment, a number of cabbages. If a food was under-hyped and actually more delicious than expected, I will give it a higher cabbage rating.

Grown here, not flown here

Salmon Express: Reindeer sausage and salmon quesadilla

Napkins: 3

Mmmmm

DNF?: No

Cabbages: 5

The salmon quesadillas on the Red Trail are the taste a fresh catch in a portable package. The quesadilla is spicy, but not lingering enough to cause discomfort. The oily salmon oozes in with the soft, melty cheese. If I did not require as many napkins as usual, it can be due to one of two factors: the tortilla it was folded in made it accessible without mess, or it could be because I inhaled the dang thing before I stumbled 20 yards to the Denali Cream Puff. Is it a crime to eat your food so fast that you forget what happened after the first bite? Maybe. Lock me up because this Alaskan ingredient infused classic is both mobile and meritorious. I expected fresh Alaskan salmon to be delicious, so the quesadillas landed right in the middle of my cabbage rankings.

Talkeetna Spinach Bread: Spinach bread

Napkins: 2

Mmmmmmm

DNF?: NO

Cabbages: 9

There’s got to be a reason to put your product in the name of your business, and Talkeetna Spinach Bread was all business. The ooey gooey slices of cheesy garlic goodness were available as soon as I walked up to the window. It was perfect to pick at as we walked away from calories and good decisions, making our way out of the fair. Spinach bread was a final act, pulling cheese strings away just as it came hot out of the oven. I put this in the ‘grown here, not flown here’ section because the spinach on that bread was my serving of vegetables for the week. The good people of Talkeetna have brought the bounty of the soil to serve at the Alaska State Fair, paired with carbs and cheese. It kept mostly to itself, not requiring too many napkins, but it was shockingly delicious enough that it earned a 7-m Mmmmmmm and nine cabbages. If I have to eat vegetables, I’d prefer to do it like this.

The Crab Shack: crab cakes

Napkins: 2

Mmmmmm

DNF?: No

Cabbages: 9

The perfect sauce cup is just enough to get a perfect amount on each of the crab cakes. And while you may want to put all of them in your mouth immediately, taking your time to enjoy the salty sweetness of each beautifully breaded crab cake is advised. You may find yourself in a better mood, smiling, and even forget all about how much of your PFD you didn’t get in a daze from the superb sea creature. I do enjoy catching my dinner on the end of a fishing pole, but my hat is off to the crab fishermen that ensure this supreme snack is served at the fair each year. Located right next to Hoop N’ Hoola Milk N’ Cookies, it’s centrally located, perfect to snag and take to the Lumberjack show or as a sponge to absorb all the bad decisions you made a the Sluice Box. Even when I know crab cakes are the bomb, I’m always reminded how much I underestimate these nugget sized flavor bombs.

International food in a bready holder

Los Tacos: steak taco w/hot salsa

Napkins: 4

Mmmmmm

DNF?: No

Cabbages: 6

“I always vote for tacos,” said legendary Alaskan journalist and food writer Julia O’Malley recently, as a response to a. Twitter poll. I routinely ask for salsa that is hotter than I can handle. The Los Tacos steak taco is the perfect pregame to a concert on the Borealis Theater. It’s bold ingredients demand attention, affection, and reverence as the messy taco goodness changes your perspective. I like to eat them on a bench and pity people who do not have a taco in their hand. There are a variety of different napkin strategies employed to ensure the maximum consumption of taco by my mouth, and not my beard. Even though I have frequented Los Tacos for years, it finds a new way to make me fall in love with the simple taco every time, earning six cabbages.

TEAM GYRO: Gyro

Napkins: 5

Mmmmmmm

DNF?: No

Cabbages: 7

The Gyro is not a food I grew up loving, I’ve grown up? With my refined tastes I have come to peruse the lamb wrapped in pita and, more importantly, love. The good people at Team Gyro dealt with my tedious order (all everything, all the time, I want all of it) and delivered an instant classic that hasn’t changed in generations. This menu item is a safety hazard. It should be served with a wide berth to other vendors, as I walked through a shoulder-to-shoulder crowd by the cabins without looking away from the gyro. I think there were vegetables in there, but I can’t remember. My focus was solely on the gyro from the second it entered my hand. Tzatziki sauce was the only reason for excessive napkin use, but it was worth it. I gave the gyro seven cabbages because, like the taco, even though I knew what I was getting, I was more than satisfied.

I’ll spoil my dinner

Denali Cream Puffs: Cream puff (chocolate/berry)

Napkins: 8

Mmmmmmmmm

DNF?: Yes :(

Cabbages: 9

Forget your zodiac sign, what do you put on your cream puff? Chocolate? Berry? Caramel? These are the decisions that baffle first-time fairgoers. First things first, it’s gargantuan. Do not undertake this masterpiece while underestimating this thing’s thickness. While delving into the mind-numbing sugar high of the cream, the puff, the chocolate and berry sauce, I wondered what I had ever mistaken happiness for before that moment. When you dig into the puff, you struggle to put all the pertinent ingredients on one fork. Those who succeed are rewarded for their hard work with a creamy syrupy sugary smorgasboard of gratification. I used and abused many napkins on my way to euphoria. I made many indiscernible noises after feeding on a fork full of puff.

Hoop N’ Hula Milk N’ Cookies: Chocolate chip

Napkins: 1

Mmmm

DNF?: No

Cabbages: 3

Sometimes a snack needs to be just that, a snack. When working up an appetite for comfort after walking through the barn, exhausted by just looking at such strong vegetables, one requires a simple comfort to guide them through the winding paths at the fairgrounds. Nothing is more simply pleasurable than a chocolate cookie, and you even give you tokens to show your support for issues plaguing mother earth. I always hunger for more cookies, and the cookie is large enough not to require more than one. It is not too crunchy, and not too soft to fall apart. The chocolate is prevalent, and if I’d been thinking straight, I would’ve bought a glass of milk to go with it and sat in the circle to enjoy people watching and wonder why the world was never as beautiful as it was with a chocolate chip cookie in my hand.

Original Gourmet Ice Cream Bars: Vanilla bar, white chocolate dip, Oreo crumbs

Napkins: 6

Mmmmm

DNF?: Yes

Cabbages: 1

It wasn’t even a hot day, and an ice cream bar still hit the spot. I have never thought once about changing my ice cream bar order. However, the chocolate bars are no more, as vanilla is the only option for ice cream at Gourmet Ice Cream Bars. What’s up with that? While the flavor may be vanilla, the satisfaction isn’t. Cookies and cream go together like peas and carrots, but without any vegetables. I had planned not to get an ice cream cone, but there are some things your stomach can’t say no to. The Green Trail location makes it the perfect spot to get lost in which line you’re in and talk to strangers about which ride you are too chicken to go on. I opted to save room for other delicious dishes rather than to finish the big ol’ bar. I do, however, anxiously await the arrival of the chocolate ice cream bars. Imagine a chocolate bar with chocolate dip and Oreo crumbs. If you don’t, I will. That is my only beef of the fair food this year. I wanted a chocolate ice cream bar. Apparently segways are out and rascals are in? I saw a couple teenagers riding rascals, and I’m not sure if I should be jealous or concerned.

Alaska Elephant Ears: Elephant ear (powdered sugar/chocolate)

Napkins: 6

Mm

DNF?: No

Cabbages: 4

Elephant Ears are the perfect food to share. I prefer powdered sugar on mine, and my friend wanted chocolate. We compromised, and were both satisfied. The light, airy dough provides a perfect plate for the sweet toppings. Beware of ripping off a piece too quickly and spilling your powdered sugar. I suppose that an elephant ear could be made into an on-the go food, maybe folding it like a taco, but I believe that would be blasphemy. Elephant ears are meant to slow the fair fun down as you pick and pull at perfect pieces of the hot sugary goodness.

Bear Naked Barbecue: The Bear Naked Mistake

Napkins: 5

Mmmmmmmmmm

DNF?: No!

Cabbages: 9

I prefer to bat my best hitter in the leadoff position, because at the end of the game, he will have the most at-bats. Bear Naked deserves endless plate appearances, knocking the first pitch out of the park with their Bear Naked Mistake, a mix of straw fries, pork, sauce and sauce. The plate came out with pork rinds, which I couldn’t put down to get to the sandwich. Once I did, I was not unhappy. Napkins stood no match against the mix of homemade sauces, grease and goodness. The texture of the straw fries with the soft BBQ mixed perfectly. To wash it all down, I was served a Coke in a glass bottle. I had just enough to wash down the savory delicious sammy. The bun fractured originally, but held up through the thick and the greasy journey to the end of the sandwich. My major strategy decision was if I should take on such a heavy hitter in my first plate appearance. Not only was I happy I did, I cleaned the whole dish, finishing every last delicious morsel.

Who won the battle of the fair food? We did. There are endless options for food and fun at the fair, whatever your taste is. There are a million different ways to eat your way through the fair, and all of them are the right way. By my scorecard, all of these vendors performed well at the plate. Until the next plate appearance, I’m Tim Rockey, and I’m hungry.