If asked, don’t tell

Years ago, I called a parent and asked if he wanted to know something I just heard about his kid.

“Sure. What is it?”

“I hear she’s been drinking on the weekends.”

The parent was immediately put off and asked, “How do you know this?”

“I was told about it.”

“Who told you?”

“Well, I can’t name the person, but I trust the source, someone who witnessed it.”

“Is she getting suspended?”

“No, I just heard it and wanted to pass it on to you as something you could keep your eyes and ears open for.”

“Oh, I see. But you can’t prove anything right?”

“That’s right.”

“OK, thanks, but I doubt this is true.”

Weeks later, I had to call this parent about an unrelated discipline issue and was treated very poorly, was accused of being out to get his kid and that I was someone who listened to silly teen-age gossip.

Since that phone call, I have often heard principals relate similar stories where their well-intended information sharing was construed as rumor-mongering and ended up being used against them. Herein lies an intriguing ethical dilemma of the school business: should you disclose things you know but cannot prove?

Hypothetically, every parent would state that they would like to know if a school official had information about their kid. Likewise, no parent would ever admit that they would hold that information against the principal. However, most of us have colorful examples that show how untrue this is. In principal circles, when we talk to each other in private we all acknowledge the dangerous minefield we enter when we share things with parents that cannot be proven.

In fact, principals themselves are not immune to this parental blind spot with their own kids, which illustrates what a sticky wicket disclosure can be. If principals can fall victim to this dilemma, why would other parents not also?

I suspect the textbook answer to this dilemma is to never state what you cannot prove. This is practical advice, yet is also somewhat of a cop-out. There is a great deal of information in any organization that is very good but does not rise to an actionable level. Police very often know the kingpins of crime, but cannot arrest them. I know the biggest drug dealers in school, but it is difficult to catch them. Word on the street is never completely accurate, but it is rarely completely wrong either. School principals work in a crossroads of information between parents, students, teachers and counselors where threads of intelligence can gain a lot of credibility, yet still not rise to an actionable level. This puts principals in a wicked crossfire between what textbooks call for and what their sense of ethics dictates, for if we would like to know such information ourselves, we should be willing to do the same for others.

Yet a reality in the school business — something that has been known since the beginning of time — is that family devotion can be irrational. And because hypotheticals can quickly go out the window when adverse information concerns someone’s own, principals often withhold what they know for fear of it being held against them.

The antidote to this conflict is cultivating a relationship with school personnel where disclosure can freely occur. There are many families who I enjoy such frank disclosure relationships with, perhaps hundreds of them. And I am not unique; all principals have those professional relationships with parents who they trust can skillfully handle sensitive information. Putting school officials at ease can open doors of information that can make parenting more effective. Principals, like most educators — like most people — have good hearts and their intentions are pure. Giving principals assurances we can handle candid information about our loved ones strengthens the safety net we all want for young people.

Mark Okeson is assistant principal at Wasilla High School.