It could be you

The last thing I remember is me looking in my purse and Julie saying, "Oh sh*t, we're sliding," and me looking up and I don't even remember what I saw, just looking up. I don't remember anything at Valley hospital, or even much at Alaska Regional Hospital, but I do remember the nurses pushing me and going over the seam in the doorway and screaming because of my back. It was the worst pain I ever had in my life, a broken back.

Although I don't remember much, I had a broken back, my pelvis was broken in four places, I had two broken ribs, a punctured lung, and a ripped spleen. I also lost a kidney as a result of the crash, and have lots of nerve damage to my left leg. I went through several surgeries. The first was an an exploratory surgery when they sewed my spleen back into place. Then I had to have major surgery when I had my fixator and the screw put in my back. Later, I had another one when they took my fixator out and then another to take the screw back out of my back. The screw didn't come out of my back until about 6 months after the crash. I couldn't even lay on that side of my back 'cause I could feel the four-inch screw through my skin.

Most of what I know about the hospital is what my family told me happened, because I was heavily drugged. I hallucinated a lot during that time and some of those memories are clear. I remember the really

traumatizing stuff, like when the nurses had to lift me or move me to take care of me. I also had chest tubes in place, in addition to the IVs and oxygen in my nose.

Because of the extent of my injuries the doctors didn't know whether or not I'd have a catheter the rest of my life -- if I'd even be able to go to the bathroom by myself, let alone walk. I did better than they expected me to. The doctor said I healed as fast as a person could. Initially, when I did start walking, it was with a walker, then a crutch. I can walk fine now, but I still have pain and I limp from the pain in my leg because of the nerve damage.

The worst possible thing that came out of this -- even aside from any of the physical pain -- is losing my best friend. The pain of the injuries does not even compare to having someone you love die. That's what's with me mostly now. Julie was a part of my family since fourth grade, so it not only hurts me but every person in my family. They all knew her very well and they knew and loved her for years -- everyone was hurt by this and still are.

Sometimes I do get mad because she's gone and I wish I could ask her "why." But it's because of the fact that she's gone, not because I'm mad at her for anything she did. It's only 'cause she's not here.

My family said that at first they didn't know what to expect when the accident happened, it was the most horrifying moment. They knew I had a lot of injuries and would suffer a lot from it, but they also knew I would live. Then there was Julie, and no one knew. One day you're going to work, and the next it's the most horrible experience there is.

Now I'm completely paranoid of driving -- if it snows or the road is slippery I'm terrified to death of driving. It's hard for me to ride with someone else -- almost every one of my friends I would disqualify to drive me around. I consider myself a good driver 'cause I'm so cautious of everything now. I think it's made me a better driver, though.

I go on the road every day knowing this could be my last drive -- the slightest wrong move could be your last chance. I think people misjudge how much power they have in their hands.

I would tell everyone, look at your best friend, your brother, sister, mom or dad -- someone you love more than anything in the world, someone you could trust and tell everything to -- and picture one night what you could lose, just for not using good judgement. That they could be gone forever.