It's all over but the chopping

Being Frank

by Frank Ameduri

The recent legislative session ended with few serious logs split, and the kids are heading home to see what kind of economic fire Papa Frank can start now that he's got the ax in his hand and the whole woodpile to play with. Last week the governor headed down to Seattle to have his aorta augured out, so he should have plenty of blood-pumping stamina to whack away at programs and departmental budgets. Trust me, when the old guy finally puts down the ax, Paul Bunyan will be blushing and making excuses. So will Alaska's senators and representatives who were too demure to risk a blister just when the work really meant something.

While Murkowski was out in the shed, sharpening up the blade and rubbing a little pine tar into the handle, our legislators finished up the session by breaking out the craft supplies and building straw houses. With tubes of paste, safety scissors and non-toxic supplies, they managed to cobble together an impressive array of resolutions and bills that looked almost like the real thing. Then they had the press offices fire up the computers and dash off a flurry of self-aggrandizing press releases. It was classic.

One of the best resolutions amounted to a collective raspberry from the Alaska legislature to the likes of California Senator Barbara Boxer. She's been running around the Hill telling everybody what a bad idea it would be to look for oil in our arctic refuge. So far, the effort to open up more exploration has been thwarted, and that has gummed up the Alaska political machinery that wants to increase resource revenue. In response, the legislature passed a resolution that suggested Boxer turn her California ethanol-producing cornfields back into wildlands. So there!

You can just hear them drafting that one. There must have been a fair amount of tittering and knee-slapping going on that day. Of course, many of us missed that. We were busy worrying about how are kids were going to travel to school, and what kind of education they were going to get after all the belt tightening squeezes the Three Rs into two ls and a small i. We were wondering if the new, streamlined government would really be leaner and more efficient or just sloppier and less concerned with oversight. I'm sure Ms. Boxer didn't take much notice, either. She's got budget woes of her own to worry about.

Another one for the record books was the passage of a bill that makes it illegal for Alaska law enforcement agencies to enforce portions of the USA Patriot Act that infringe upon individual liberties. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not a big fan of the Patriot Act. In fact, I understand most of that legislation was drafted during a seance with the late Senator Joseph McCarthy. Apparently McCarthy's spirit provided much of the meaningful text, but then huffed out when the Bush administration refused to include enough references to Pinkos, Reds and Godless Commies. At any rate, the Patriot Act is a bad idea, but it seems our legislature probably could have accomplished more important things than pointing that out to the feds. Besides, it's really not even fashionable to pass anti-Patriot Act legislation anymore. Our bill was something like the 117th rant about the Patriot Act. We can do better than that. If you're going to be 117th, is it really even worth the effort? It seems our legislators could have thought up some more original meaningless legislation to write. Here are a few suggestions:

A resolution that requires major automobile manufacturers to develop cars that run on caribou poop. That way we can all get rich and keep our wilderness pristine, and a little neater, too.

A resolution that tells California, "Hey, we really don't care what you do with your cornfields, but why don't you send of few babes our way? It's not that we don't have some nice babes of our own, but there are some resources you just can't overdo. And stop whining about the Lakers, for Pete's sake."

A bill that funds the construction of vast, energy-producing windmill farms surrounding Juneau. Do I need to explain why a constant warm wind blows out of Juneau in every direction? I think not.

Anyway, while the legislators are home thinking of excuses before the next election cycle begins, they can call me for other great resolution ideas. I've got a million of 'em.

Frank Ameduri doesn't know a dad-gummed thing about politics, but he can spot a chicken without the help of a farmer.