It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a moose?

As the second session of the 28th Alaska Legislature comes to a close, we might do well to review what has been accomplished in the name of the people. We could debate the recently signed bill that restricts abortions for Medicaid patients and has the state, rather than your doctor, define “medically necessary”.

Maybe we should weigh the pros and cons of the changing tax structure for oil companies, and the subsequent $2 billion deficit. We could discuss the new state budget and what it means for our community, or whether we should spend the money and finally build that bridge across Knik Arm.

There are a wealth of things from which to choose, but what the heck, this is Easter. Let’s take a lighter look at some of the little nuggets past lawmakers have left on our lawn. I speak, of course, of Alaska’s moose laws.

I gathered the following information after minutes of exhaustive research. Actually, I Googled it. But it is on the Internet, so the veracity of my sources (source) is obvious.

I’m sure a few of you have heard that it is illegal to observe a moose from an airplane. If you haven’t, it is.

But were you aware that it is also against the law to push a live moose from an airplane? OK, I’m not sure who was responsible for making this a legislative issue. But whomever it was, they are not to be trifled with.

We really should take the time to think about this for a second. There you are; flying around in your Cessna. Just you, a fishing buddy named Larry, and a 1,500-pound moose. Your buddy Larry becomes a little peevish from the close quarters and decides to kick said moose out of the plane. I’m sure the moose would object at this point, but Larry is really agitated and manages to overpower a ¾-ton beast with antlers. It could happen.

Anyway, the moose is out the door and your buddy is settling back in his seat. “Not so fast”, you say. “What you have just done is against the law.”

But now you are met with a dilemma. In order to prove a law has been broken, you have to have evidence. In order to get that evidence, you have to look out the window and observe a moose from an airplane.

As we have already established, this, too, is illegal. Larry has ensnared you in his villainous web. It’s the perfect crime.

One has to wonder just how you coax a moose out of a Cessna at about 10,000 feet. Particularly since it is also illegal, in the state of Alaska, to give a moose an alcoholic beverage.

I suppose the “no booze for Bullwinkle” edict came down to address the problem of all those beer bottles left in the woods. Perhaps an enterprising critter could stand outside a liquor store and pay a guy to go in and buy the stuff. It worked in high school.

The time-honored grab-n-dash is definitely out of the question. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but every time a moose enters the local quickie mart, the clerk keeps a close eye on him.

The clerk may try to act casual, but he or she is constantly glancing down the aisles or up at the big curvy mirrors and watching every move the moose makes. Frankly, I think this is a blatant example of bigotry. But after all, I am an unflinching liberal.

In any event, moose are under much too much scrutiny to snag a six-pack and book it for the exit. Even if they were able to get there ahead of the clerk, their antlers tend to get hung up in the doorway.

This next law just seems like piling on to me. I have recently discovered that it is illegal for moose to engage in, umm, the production of baby moose while in the street. How would you like to be the Alaska State Trooper that writes that ticket?

Since alcohol is usually involved in situations like this, and we already know that moose are not allowed to be served, this last law seems a little unnecessary to me.

But let’s say we did catch a couple in the act. After the dust settles, I suppose the local constable could just hang the citation on one of the lower antler tines. But that presents another problem: moose are notoriously bad readers.

The next time you encounter one, take a closer look. You will probably notice that they are wall-eyed. It’s great for picking out the movement of predators, but really sucks when focusing on the printed word.

This means that the moose may or may not show up for their court date. If they are a no-show, then the judge has to issue a bench warrant and the police have to bring them in.

Now, while a moose can obviously fit into your Cessna Skyhawk, putting them into the back of a police cruiser can present a problem. I don’t know how many of you have made that particular trip, but from what I understand, there is darn little legroom back there, and moose, for all their bulk, are mostly legs.

There seem to be just too many problems with this last law; and since we won’t let them drink, I don’t think the middle of the street thing is going to be much of an issue. I say we should strike down this draconian restriction on moose production and get back to the people’s business. I’m sure the moose are able to take care of their own.

In our more thoughtful moments, human beings make rules to live by. These rules are called laws. They represent the collective conscience and will of the people who write them.

From what I have illustrated in these few words, we should all be very worried.

Chuck Legge is a free-lance political cartoonist and community columnist who lives in Sutton.