Living with dying

MAT-SU — There might not be a decision as dreaded as what to do when a loved one dies.

The choice between cremation and burial — not to mention where that will take place — can spark family feuds and put extra stress on relatives already reeling from the death.

That’s why experts say loved ones should discuss, and decide, what their post-mortem wishes are.

Rachel Westbrook, the office manager at the Palmer Senior Citizens Center, said officials there urge members to have a plan in place so their family knows what to do.

The benefits of a clear plan are often hard to recognize until the day a loved one dies, she said.

“We do try to encourage people to put those plans in place so that that’s not left for those who are left behind,” Westbrook said.

And while the Palmer senior center has shied away from inviting presentations from crematoriums and funeral homes, Westbrook said a network there is set up in case residents want to discuss their options.

“We want people to make their issues known,” Westbrook said.

But the conversation, obviously not an uplifting one, is generally relegated to one-on-one discussions with staff and rarely aired in public at the center.

A staff member at the center helps guide members to the information they want.

“They want to talk to the information referrals staff on a one-on-one basis to make some choices,” Westbrook said.

Owners of funeral homes agree that being prepared is a family’s best bet. A worker at Kehl’s Palmer Mortuary said knowing the wishes of the deceased make the process easier.

Funerals are also often not cheap, with caskets, services and burial running up a high price tag. The difference in price between cremation and burial can be thousands of dollars, with cremations the cheaper of the two, according to calculations available from a number of sources.

For many families, however, deciding what to do with their deceased loved one becomes a question of religion.

Howard Bess, pastor emeritus of the Church of the Covenant, an American Baptist church in Palmer, said members of his church sought counsel on the issue often.

“I always counseled against putting money into any kind of elaborate casket,” Bess said. “It just doesn’t make any sense.”

Instead, Bess told congregates to put what the deceased person would have wanted first.

“You have to be thoughtful of the person who died,” he said.

Bess was also often asked if God would be OK with their choice, either burial or cremation.

“God is not going to frown on you for whatever you do,” Bess said. “But you do need to think through what you do.”

He gave an example of two brothers he knew in Southern California who spread the ashes of their brother, a Merchant Marine, over the ocean.

Bess said the ceremony is an example of thinking through what the deceased person would have wanted.

Along with the myriad choices people have to honor ones life, Bess concedes it is a good idea to have a plan in place early. This, he said, will allow family members time to appropriately grieve and celebrate the person’s life.