Marriage a loving partnership

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

I was reflecting on this verse after reading Pastor Ron Hamman’s Tuesday, July 19 column. It is one of my favorite verses and, for me, the guideline for how to live. Pastor Hamman’s column distressed me to the point that it prodded me to contact the Frontiersman with a request to provide a counterpoint. The use of scripture to justify spousal rape is reprehensible. Forcing a wife to have sex against her will is rape. It is an act of violence that can never be justified. It does not matter if it is a stranger, a boyfriend or your husband. It is a violent act of hostility and aggression. It is not love and is in conflict with the above verse.

But how could I respond? I felt strongly that God was calling on me to counter in some way, but how could that be? He is a pastor of a church. I am a regular run-of-the-mill Christian wife and mother. I am not a theologian. If you challenged me to a Bible verse throwdown, I would lose handily. I wake each morning thanking God for my life, family and the opportunity to spread his grace. I go to sleep each night praying for forgiveness, as I know I have probably failed in multiple ways. Nevertheless, I get up each day and start anew secure in the faith that God has forgiven me.

So, I am sure that I cannot provide a verse-to-verse battle of words with any pastor, including Pastor Hamman. But I firmly believe that no loving Christian husband who values his role as the protector, provider and spiritual leader of his family would ever rape his wife regardless of whether she was withholding sexual relations. The act of rape destroys the very foundation of trust that any marriage must have in order to be successful.

Spousal rape is rape. There are no different categories of rape. There is only rape. Rape cannot be justified by scripture or justified by any action on the part of a woman. This act of evil is the sole responsibility of the attacker.

Rape is a very harsh word. It has to be in order to accurately describe an extremely personal and devastating act of violence. It is about power, hostility, anger and domination. What it is not about is uncontrollable sexual desire. My husband is actually offended by the idea that a man would be so overcome with the desire for sex that he just could not stop himself. The will to control our behavior is what separates us from animals.

Spousal rape does not exist in a healthy Christian marriage, or any healthy marriage for that matter. For me, a healthy Christian marriage consists of a wife who willingly accepts and supports her husband as the spiritual head of the family and a husband who willingly accepts that responsibility. A devoted Christian husband accepts that leadership knowing he has the responsibility of treating the needs of his wife and family as though they are his needs.

“In this way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies,” Ephesians 5:28.

He is to love his wife and nurture her, and she is to become one with him. She is to respect his role as the family’s spiritual leader. I accept that the Bible clearly defines my role as a wife to support my husband, but I do not accept that as permission for the husband to abuse his role as the spiritual head of the family.

I was a volunteer crisis counselor for STAR (Standing Together Against Rape) many years ago. The women I talked to felt ashamed, fearful, “dirty” and violated to their very cores. Some women never recover from the experience of being forced into a sexual act.

They were quite simply shattered. The loss of control, the violence of being held down against your will, to be forced to endure an act that should be one of loving kindness is often too much to endure.

I am very blessed to be married to a wonderful man for 25 years. He is the spiritual head of our family and I thank God every day for sending him into my life.

But if you are in a relationship where you are being forced to have sex against your will, please seek help. Call STAR, talk to a friend, talk to your pastor, go to the authorities — but please do not just accept it. It isn’t love. My faith tells me that God loves you and wants you to be safe.

Lana Edwards is a Christian wife and mother who lives and attends church in the Valley.

Opinions expressed on the Faith page are the author’s and are not necessarily those of the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman, its staff or its parent company, Wick Communications Co. To submit a column or other news for the Faith page, send email to news@frontiersman.com, or call 352-2268.