Mat-Su Mouth chants the mid-January blues

Mat-Su Mouth

HAPPY FANNIES — It's a new day in the Valley. The borough's old assembly room chairs have been replaced by new "black and blue" chairs. The public's new cushy chairs aren't recliners but they're bigger and wider than the old ones. Their seats are plump and ready for hours of sitting.

It's like an upgrade to business-class seating. Borough watchers, who spend much time at the assembly chambers, had hoped for handy little fold-out trays and cup holders. But these chairs are a vast improvement.

The new sound system isn't installed yet. The microphones are still ill-used and dreadful. Sign language and lip reading remains a necessity.

Until the installation of a functioning sound system, the assembly may have to use personal megaphones for sound enhancement.

ASSEMBLY FREQUENT SEATER MINUTES — This is similar to frequent-flyer miles, except you earn your minutes by how much time you spend in the borough assembly room.

After 10,000 minutes, you earn the right to cast ONE vote on the issue of your choice. You also get free use of the nonexistent boardroom.

A suggestion from the audience groupies is for the installation of "interactive" voting machines. This way the audience becomes participatory and the assembly members become predictably more responsive.

VALLEY VISITORS — An elderly couple was traveling around the Valley during the holidays. They stopped in Palmer for a fuel stop.

While filling the fuel tank, the gas station attendant asked, "How do you like the view of Pioneer Peak?" The old man replied, "Oh, very much."

"What'd he say?" his wife asked. She was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.

"Oh," her husband replied, "He asked if we liked the mountains and I told him yes."

They went to Wasilla Wal-Mart for gift wrap. The clerk asked, "Where y'all from?" The man replied, "Oh, we're from Cleveland, Ohio."

The clerk said, "Ah, I was in Ohio for two years. Dated a girl there, but she was the worst cook. Burned everything."

Later in the parking lot the older woman asked her husband, "What'd that clerk say to you?"

Her husband replied with a smile, "He said he thinks he knows you."

MID JANUARY BLUES — ‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as only I can

"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

‘Til all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.

I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy Mid-January to all, and to all a good diet.

THE MOUTH ERRED — The wonderful woman who has found homes for around 500 homeless puppies and dogs is properly named Joann Westall. She is a former Kelly Services director and now instead of placing people, she places puppies.

THE MOUTH WONDERS:

Is it true that robins are back?

Is it true that you can always tell who lives in Palmer by their "messed up" hair?

Is it true that 20-30 percent of the Valley's phone calls are cellular?

Infamous borough scribe Barbara Hunt puts words in The Mouth every month. If you have questions, tips or suggestions, please fax them to her at 376-8059 or to her attention at the Frontiersman at 352-2277, or you may mail them or drop them off at 5751 E. Mayflower Ct., Wasilla AK 99654. The Mouth is also accessible on the Internet at bhunt@alaska.net. Confidentiality will be respected. Accuracy required and good taste requested.