Message to parents: Never give in to a tantrum

One of the most poorly understood human behaviors of our day is the temper tantrum.

It is not that it has always been misunderstood, or that it is universally misunderstood, but it is in modern day America, and that because we have a misconception of child rearing. Far too many parents have bought into the philosophy that you negotiate your way to a peace settlement with your child.

The problem with this is that children are smart enough to recognize a weak hand, and weakness recognized will be weakness exploited again and again and again in the future.

What you, as a parent, need to realize is that tantrums are not so much a behavior as they are a response, and that to your authority to say, “No.” I remember in my childhood hearing the question, “What part of the word ‘no’ didn’t you understand?” But it is not that the child cannot understand what it means, but that he just did not like the answer. Hence his tantrum is his way of usurping parental authority. If you respond with negotiation, what you are really doing is surrendering your God-given responsibility.

The truth is that tantrums are all about authority, and your response as a parent is critical. While my focus here is not in how to deal with them, I will tell that out of 11 children, few ever questioned my authority. Out of those few who did, I had no repeat offenders because how I dealt with them led them to the conclusion that I was still in charge. And I say few because the onlookers came to the conclusion that their own attempts would likewise be futile.

Now, it is not surprising that ours is the generation that demonstrates such confusion as to how to deal with tantrums. Ours has been the generation that cut its teeth on rebellion. Not only did the ‘60s witness a rebellion against the Vietnam War, but that decade fostered the spirit of rebellion against every societal norm America had in place. But even those who rebelled against authority in the ‘60s understood authority. Thus, through authority they have legitimized many of their ideologies, part of which is to usurp parental authority.

What you need to understand is that God gave children to parents. This is the old question, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” Quite obviously, God created the chicken first along with the ability to lay the egg. In like manner, God started with Adam and Eve, who in turn would produce children. And he did so because children are completely helpless for the first several years of their lives, and nearly so for many more after that. To think the child knows best flies in the face of nature; it just isn’t so. No, God gave parents the responsibility to rear the child, and along with this responsibility he gave them authority.

Have you ever noted that the Bible never tells parents to honor their children? The reason is that honor belongs to those in authority, and the same God who established authority also endorses authority. Thus, we find in Exodus 20 the Fifth Commandment that says, “Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.” And again, we find it in Ephesians 6 where the Apostle Paul underscores its importance by saying it “is the first commandment with promise;” that is, of long life.

And just in case you are reading through your Bible and forget along the way, these sentiments are echoed again in Proverbs, where you’ll read, “The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pluck it out, and the young eagles shall eat it.”

Lastly, what parents need to understand about tantrums is that though they begin in childhood, they will continue on into adulthood unless dealt with properly by parents.

Have you ever seen an adult throw a tantrum? While adults might not do it by throwing themselves on the floor and kicking and screaming, it is still a response to being told, “no.” We find such a case in I Kings 21 in the lives of Ahab and Jezebel, the end result being the murder of one who had the legitimate authority to say, “no.”

Parents, unless you want to raise an Ahab or Jezebel, somehow get through to your child that you have absolute authority to tell them, “no.”

Ron Hamman is pastor of Independent Baptist Church of Wasilla; contact him at 357-4229 or ron.hamman@gci.net.