Military service adds stress to marriage

I was a young man of 19 when I decided to join the military. I was set on the Air Force until, literally at the last minute, I decided to join the Army out of nostalgia for my father. Dad was in Vietnam when I was born and I had this notion that out of respect for that I would follow in his footsteps and go Army. After all these years, I’ve never reached a conclusion about whether it was a good idea or not, but it hardly matters anymore.

At the time I was in my first real serious relationship (or at least as serious as any relationship can be at the tender age of 19). So with all the boo-hooing and promises of what the future would bring after boot camp, I departed Anchorage for the God-forsaken wasteland called Lawton, Okla., on a cold Dec. 26.

Didn’t take long before the relationship troubles began. There were several young men who also had girls waiting back home, and as some learned that his girl back home had dumped him, cheated on him or whatever, a plague of doubt began infecting each of us. Sure enough, I started hearing about the punk up the street who had come sniffing around my girlfriend. He was “harmless,” you know, just “a friend.”

Yeah. Right. Sure thing.

I played along for a while before deciding that enough was enough. I laid out the “knock it off or we’re done” speech and, to her credit, my girlfriend told him to take a hike. When I returned to Anchorage on leave and this bozo tried coming around again to “make peace,” I impressed upon him in my own special way the potential hazard to his health of ever coming around again. Never saw him after that.

Time went by, people change and eventually my relationship with that girl petered out. All part of growing up, no regrets or anything like that. Thank goodness we had never tied the knot. But there is honestly no way I could begin to count the number of relationships and marriages I saw hit the dirt due to the strain of military life.

From my vantage point, the worst were the poor boys over in Armor (tanks). When they weren’t deployed somewhere for at least a year, they were back home doing field maneuvers that sometimes went on for weeks. Basically, these guys were never home. I watched as friend after friend lost his girlfriend or marriage to the demands of the Army. Ironically, it seemed that the guys doing some of the most demanding jobs (Special Forces, Rangers, SEALS, etc.) had better luck at maintaining their relationships because typically, their deployments were quite a bit shorter. Same goes for my friends in the Air Force who often worked a schedule that was almost civilian-like, Monday through Friday 7 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Fast-forward several years and I was working for the Department of Defense, Department of the Navy as a civilian. Time and time again I watched a ship prepare for deployment with crying sailors and wives on the dock. The ship would then pull out and disappear through Rich Passage — and it was suddenly party time! The bars and clubs were suddenly full with wives and girlfriends who had arranged it for weeks. I just shook my head, thinking of the poor sailors on the ship and what their was thinking and feeling vs. the reality of what we were seeing all over Bremerton for the next several weeks or months. I would think back to my own time as a young man and wonder, “Was I this naïve and stupid, too?” And yes, to be fair, I know darn well there are lots of military men who don’t play by the rules while deployed, either.

A couple years back, my oldest son was pondering joining the military. He had a serious girlfriend at the time and I warned him repeatedly about the perils of joining. The old saying I heard time and time again, “The Army didn’t issue you a wife, soldier!” As in, despite whatever warm and fuzzies the recruiter might tell you regarding married life, the fact is it will play hell on a marriage.

To be sure, there are also great success stories. My in-laws married soon after my father-in-law joined the Navy back in the 1960s, stayed together during his 20 years and are still going strong today. But it takes a special couple that truly understands and expects the added stress a military life will place on a relationship and knows how to deal with it.

I thought about all this today after reading an article that is part of a series written to demonstrate the big mistake of invading and occupying Iraq. Today’s article detailed a man who lost his marriage while deployed. I didn’t get the notion that the veteran blamed the war for his lost marriage and he even mentions that he had been experiencing marital problems before being deployed. But the author clearly wanted to bend the article that way and I guess that’s what bothered me. Because you can’t blame Iraq, George Bush or Dick Cheney (that was the author’s clear message) for this man’s failed marriage any more than you could blame any of the countless wars and conflicts that this planet has seen since the existence of men and militaries.

The strain of military deployments has been playing havoc with men and women since time eternal. I’m quite sure that when Napoleon’s men returned to France, many of them came back to an empty house. And it doesn’t even have to be during a war. Lord knows those six- and 12-month trips to sea by submarines and carriers don’t do a marriage any favors.

Got a kid thinking about joining the military? Make sure that along with everything else you discuss with him or her, you bring this up as well.

Ben Compton is a Palmer resident and publishes his column as “Compton’s Corner,” the same title used by his grandmother, Phyllis Compton, a longtime Frontiersman columnist.