My big fat diet journal

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

Day One: Actually, day one began two days ago. Our diet focuses on low glycemic-index foods, and the first two weeks are something like a low sugar and starch shock treatment regimen. We had to prepare a lot of the sorts of food we don't normally keep around the house. Of course, that means we had to make room for all the rabbit food, and that means we ate about 214 pounds of real food in two days. Those were the best two days of my life since 1983, when I got drunk and accidentally celebrated two Thanksgivings. Unfortunately, the refrigerator purging resulted in my gaining an additional 65 pounds, which only prolongs the diet. Also, my total cholesterol readings shot up to 700 and my heart rate was clacking right along at 246 beats per minute -- all world records, I believe.

Anyway, we spent last night preparing the meals for the first day. Veggie quiche things, various chopped vegetable items, synthetic cheese of some sort and so on. The preparation process took until 3 a.m., and we completely forgot about supper, which gave us a head start on the diet. Fortunately, it was Ash Wednesday, so, as a good Catholic, I was able to chalk up the missed meal as a Lenten fast.

Breakfast wasn't too bad, really. The synthetic egg quiches were a little watery and bland, but after missing supper last night, I even ate the paper wrappers and was happy to have them. I also had a small can of vegetable juice, which didn't do much for my thirst, but did make me appreciate the three pots of coffee I consumed later. The mid-morning snack was one stick of string cheese. There's not much to report on that. So far, so good. Lunch was a bunch of lettuce with a few pieces of chicken on top. Since the diet doesn't specify times, I also ate the mid-afternoon snack and a Nerf football that happened to be under my desk. Dinner was four bites of salmon and some salad. No beer. No wine. No pasta. No seconds, thirds or anything elses, for that matter. Dessert was supposed to be some kind of artificially-sweetened, low-fat ricotta thing, but after six more hours of preparing the next day's meals, I was too weak to lift the dessert spoon to my mouth. Instead, I sobbed myself to sleep and called it good.

Day Two: Wow, I lost four-and-a-half pounds in one day! I'm thinking I can do this. Breakfast was supposed to be some kind of fritatta, but I was running late so I ate two more frozen quiche things -- took the wrappers off this time, but ate them on the way to work. Mid-morning snack was celery and make-believe cheese, but I had also picked up another Nerf football, so that was nice with a little hot wing sauce. Lunch was more lettuce with some tuna on it. I discovered a long, black hair in the bowl. Normally that would have turned me off but, under the circumstances, I counted it as bonus protein and felt a little naughty, but who's to know? Mid-afternoon snack was a string cheese, another Nerf football and one of the cork boards in my office. I'm starting to hit my diet rhythm now, and I hardly feel hungry anymore. Dinner was actually a sirloin steak, some roasted veggies and a little, you guessed it, salad. A hunk of broiled meat never tasted so good. When my fianc/e wasn't looking, I had a little of hers, too. I finished the meal off with my napkin and part of her place mat. The dogs have taken to hiding their rawhide toys from me, and that's not earning them any points. For dessert I ate an entire bucket of Ricotta cheese sweetened with a box of make-believe sugar. Since I'd skipped other desserts, I felt completely justified in that. Finished preparing tomorrow's meals by 2:30 a.m., so we're getting pretty good at this.

Day Three: Last night I dreamt we were making giant s'mores; this morning I woke up to find my pillow was missing, and part of the pillow case was stuck between my teeth. In the shower I ate two bars of soap and a loofah sponge -- none of those are on the "Do-not-eat" list -- and the soap is herbal. Breakfast was supposed to be some pretend eggs, but the carton accidentally fell under the rear tire of my car. I had to stop at the convenience store to pick up a box of donuts and six breakfast burritos instead. One little splurge won't hurt. I traded my chicken Caesar salad lunch, plus $10, for two bologna and cheese sandwiches, a slice of chocolate silk pie and a modest bag of cheese puffs. I know it's wrong, but the whole thing seems to have gotten away from me, and it's now spiraling out of control. Not only have I embarked upon an insane eating binge, but I've done so during Lent. The guilt weighs more than the pounds I'm packing on like so much excess camping gear. Supper was a 20-piece bucket of chicken with all the sides (extra biscuits), three slices of pecan pie and two milkshakes. I threw in a small can of vegetable juice in a last-ditch effort to salvage the diet.

Day Four: My priest was of little help. He told me no amount of Hail Marys or Our Fathers can make up for my complete diet collapse. "Not only have you failed your own metabolism," he said, "but by exhibiting unrestrained gluttony during Lent, you've let down me and His Holiness, as well. Don't even get me going on the Big Guy." This is why I'm hesitant about dieting. It's better to be chubby than vile. I'm back on cheddarwursts and piety, now.

Do not leave Frank Ameduri alone with your roast beef sandwich.