My constitutional road rage

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

One of the things we'll get to decide during the November election is whether or not we need a constitutional convention in Alaska this year. I don't know if we need one or not, but if we do decide to convene for the purpose of re-writing or patching up the state constitution, I've got a few suggestions.

The first thing our intrepid conventioneers should tackle is the state's position on licensing automobile drivers. I'd like to see some stiff requirements for getting an Alaska driver's license. Here's a couple of suggestions.

1. In so far as the people recognize the importance of the free flow of traffic and each individual's right to move at a pace that ensures sanity, the ability to successfully navigate a four-way stop without the help of a traffic cop or a diagram shall be required of each driver.

Author's note: Here's the deal about four-way stops. The basic rule is that it's a first-come, first-served kind of thing. If you get there before the other guy -- no matter whether the other guy is on your right, your left or hovering six feet above the intersection, you get to go first. In fact, you MUST go first. The way this works is that you must come to a complete stop -- the police insist upon that much. Then, if you're the first one there, you go. That means if you're turning right, you go. If you're turning left, you go. If you're going straight, you go. This requires that you start paying attention before you get to the intersection. In order to know who's turn it is, you must have a good idea about who got where first. One thing you absolutely cannot do is sit in your car and wave other people into the intersection. This is a passive-aggressive way to cause other people to crash into one another, and it's really mean. If you get there at the same time as somebody else, the driver on the right gets to go first. If you're straight across from one another and you're both going straight or turning right, it doesn't matter who goes -- so just go. If you're straight across from the other guy, and one of you is going straight and the other is turning left, the going straight person goes first. Again, no amount of waiving can change the order. So, you ask, how do I know if the other guy is going left?

2. As it is well established that when drivers must guess what other drivers are planning to do, said drivers crash into one another at great frequency, the ability to operate turning indicators shall be a requirement to drive on Alaska roadways.

Author's note: Sit on the driver's side of your car -- that's the side with the big wheel and all the pedals and knobs. Start your car so all the buttons work. Put your hands on the steering wheel -- that's the big wheel. On the left side of the steering column there's a stick. Take your left hand off the wheel (do not try to use your right hand for this) and place it on the stick. Push the stick upward. A clicking sound will ensue … click, clack, click clack. A light will flash somewhere on your dashboard. Here's the weird part. Make sure your car is in Park and the parking brake is on, or that it is out of gear and the parking brake is on if it's a standard. Get out of the car. Look on the bumper (front or rear). On the right side of your car, a light is flashing. Now get back in your car and push the stick down twice. A light on the left side of your car is now blinking. If you do this while you are driving, it can be a nifty way to let other drivers know that you are about to turn or change lanes. Try it sometime. Most nifty of all, when you're finished turning, the light will stop blinking all by itself. Special note: the auto off feature does not work for most lane changes, so please don't drive for 70 miles with your turn indicator on … click, clack, click clack.

3. To reduce the frequency of rear-end collisions and unflattering hand signals, any licensed driver in the state of Alaska is forbidden from tailgating.

Author's note: Tailgating is what you're doing when you can look into the rear view mirror of the car in front of you and count the driver's nosehairs. It is not only dangerous, but it is extremely annoying. When you drive on the bumper of the person in front of you, it does not encourage that driver to go faster. It does not get you to your destination significantly faster -- unless you consider .004 seconds to be significant. What it does do is guarantee that one day you will be paying more attention to your cell phone or your cosmetic applications, and you will drive into the person in front of you. If you luck out and don't drive into the person in front of you, you'll still have a heavy karmic debt to pay in your next lifetime.

Frank Ameduri knows all the functions of the handles and knobs in his car -- and takes great pride in using them.