‘Nothing changes if nothing changes’

Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate.

That’s part of the message Paul Pike hopes people can take to heart as he participates in the Valley Men Choose Respect project. In accordance with Gov. Sean Parnells’ Choose Respect initiative, Alaska Family Services and the Frontiersman have partnered with community leaders to put familiar faces to a Valley effort to reduce domestic violence.

As a family preservation planner and case worker for Chickaloon Village Traditional Council, Pike said he knows violence is something that crosses all class, gender, racial and economic barriers.

“This is not a once-a-day or once-a-year type of thing for us,” he said. “This is something we practice daily. Whether it’s in the school system, the value system we’re passing on, we’re teaching about respect for women, the lifegivers, and also men as protectors of life. We extend that to our Elders Lunch Program. We not only talk about it, we’re demonstrating respect.

“We’re coming from the idea that it doesn’t matter which gender you are, no one has the right to be abused. There are a lot of males in this community who are actually abused, and unfortunately there’s a lack of resources for them as well.”

A large part of breaking the cycle is for men and women to not only talk to their children about respecting others and the dangers of domestic violence, but also to model those behaviors, too. Some of the most powerful influences on children are the behaviors their parents and adults in their lives model for them, he said.

“It’s a huge factor,” Pike said. “If you’re telling people not to do certain behaviors, if you’re not following it up with action, it’s kind of meaningless.”

A good example is smoking, he said. Many times, parents who smokes will repeatedly tell their children not to smoke, but seeing the parent do it makes the child more likely to as well. The same holds true for other behaviors, Pike said.

Part of the solution is personal responsibility, he said. People must first be able to admit to themselves they have a problem or need to make changes to eliminate domestic violence from their lives.

“How can we be healthy in our thought processes?” he asked rhetorically. “How can we do conflict resolution before things get to the point where people start reacting in ways that are going to affect them and everyone else negatively.”

Taking that first step toward change can be difficult for men and women, Pike said.

“For one, you have to recognize there’s a problem to do anything about it,” he said. “Getting people to really own their behavior and understanding where those beliefs are coming from. That’s a big process.”

Some people can help identify what they’re doing wrong by asking simple questions of themselves, like: “How would I react if someone else treated my wife and/or kids this way?”

Another taboo the community needs to battle is the “it’s not my business” syndrome, Pike said.

“Nobody wants to be the one to be the whistleblower, so to speak,” he said. “But the truth is, nothing changes if nothing changes. Somebody’s got to care, and there are ways to do it. Unfortunately, that’s been the mindset for a lot of people. It’s a community issue, it’s not just individual.”