On Godly Friendship

Growing up, I struggled to make friends. All the kids I went to church with attended a different school, and all the kids I went to school with went to a different church. I felt like I didn’t fit into either group, so most of the time I was alone. When a new kid would move in, I tried to befriend them, but it seemed they would always move on as soon as a different group accepted them. As the years went on and the struggle to create meaningful friendships continued, I began to assume that it was an immutable fact - I was bad at making friends.

Fast forward to my sophomore year of college. I’d completed my freshman year two years prior, and had taken a break from school to volunteer as a missionary for my church. When I came back to school, I rented an apartment with three girls I had known my freshman year. I hadn’t kept in close contact with them, but the four of us had all taken time off of school to do missions, and they’d offered me the fourth spot to live with them. I figured the arrangement would be more enjoyable than living with strangers, and accepted their offer. It turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.

This group of girls ended up being the first place I felt a true sense of belonging in a friend group. We did everything together- attended church, ran, swam, hiked, biked, laughed, learned, and cried. We learned how to swing dance, and every week we would go together to the local country swing dancing night. We organized group dates and would encourage each other to show just a few seconds of bravery to ask men on dates. We visited each other’s families, and came to consider each other as family. It was (and still is) a place to rejoice in victories and give comfort in sorrows.

As the four of us became better friends, the circle of friendship expanded. I met lots of wonderfully talented, compassionate, ambitious individuals, some of whom became my intimate friends. I say friends, but a more appropriate term would be kindred spirits. Six months after moving into my apartment, my roommate was talking to me and a friend she had introduced me to about goal setting. She expressed difficulties in holding herself accountable to realistic goals, and shared a few specific areas of her life that she was trying to improve upon. Our friend and I agreed- it is challenging to navigate purposeful personal growth. Goals are a profoundly personal matter, and her vulnerability and openness touched me. This conversation served as a catalyst for the most impactful display of the bonds of friendship I have ever experienced.

My roommate and our friend started a text group called “Goal Seek.” Its purpose was to be a place where honesty, accountability, and vulnerability could thrive in our individual quests of goals. Our goals varied in magnitude- some were as big as “run my first marathon” and others were as small as “read one book per month.” Some goals revolved around social capabilities, and others on spiritual growth. No matter the goal, we sought to support our peers and cheer them on through the ups and downs of growth. Every week, we recounted to each other our experiences, regardless of whether we had succeeded or failed in our endeavors. Month by month, we saw progress in ourselves and in our friends. I continually felt that I was becoming a better version of myself; my friends were right beside me, playing a vital role into becoming the person I’d always wanted to be, but had never known how to become. Self assurance and camaraderie abounded, and every day I thanked God for leading me to such gems as my friends. Over the last several years, we have celebrated weddings, career advancements, pregnancy announcements, graduations, and other important milestones. It’s made all the sweeter, knowing how much effort and dedication my friends have put into becoming who and what they are.

A few months ago, I was reading The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis, and I came across a passage that brought me to tears. I’ll include it, because it’s too beautiful not to.

“But in Friendship, being free of all that, we think we have chosen our peers. In reality, a few years’ difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of university instead of another, posting to different regiments, the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting—any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, ‘Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,’ can truly say to every group of Christian friends, ‘You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.’ The Friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others. They are no greater than the beauties of a thousand other men; by Friendship God opens our eyes to them. They are, like all beauties, derived from Him, and then, in a good Friendship, increased by Him through the Friendship itself, so that it is His instrument for creating as well as for revealing. At this feast it is He who has spread the board and it is He who has chosen the guests.”

Reading this was a confirmation of what I had felt as I grew with my friends in college. Often, we believe we freely choose our friends, but truly, our friendships are guided by divine providence. For Christians, friendship is not a result of personal taste or discernment but a gift through which God reveals His beauty in others. True friendship becomes both creative and revelatory: God uses it to help people see and appreciate one another’s goodness, and through that process, He deepens and enriches their souls. I believe that that is true. True friendship has crafted me into who I am today, and has helped me to see others as He sees them - precious souls with a wonderful potential, waiting to be seen, loved, and believed in.

Sally Kohlhase lives in Palmer and enjoys running marathons, reading the classics, and spending time in nature. She is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.