Past appointment debates have taught lessons worth studying

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

On Thursday, President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney testified before the 9/11 commission. The meeting took place in the Oval Office; neither Bush nor Cheney was under oath, and no official transcripts or recordings were allowed. On Friday I received a call from someone calling himself Milt and identifying himself as a large horsefly. He said he'd been on the wall during the meeting, and offered to send along a transcript of the event, as he remembers it. Milt, if that is his real name, may or may not actually be a horsefly, and he may or may not have been at the meeting. Here's the transcript he sent along -- take it for what it's worth. All 10 commission members were in attendance, so Milt has simply placed any questions from the commission in italics.

Mr. President, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with us. We appreciate your willingness to participate in our investigation. However, before we begin, I'd like to encourage you to consider doing this under oath.

Bush: That ain't gonna happen. I took the oath of office back after Florida elected me, so I been under oath every day since then.

Very well. How about you Mr. Cheney?

(Cheney stares intensely at the panel without saying a word).

Right. Well, then let's get started. Mr. President, do you remember receiving any intelligence or other information prior to the 9/11 attacks that might have alerted you to impending danger?

Bush: I might of had a few phone calls that, in hindsight, was a little strange.

(Cheney quickly writes something on a piece of paper, wads it up and throws it at the president. Bush opens the paper and shrugs his shoulders).

What was that?

Bush: I can't make heads or tails of it. Looks like some ancient language. It says, "Icks-nay on the Own-phay!"

That's Pig Latin.

Bush: Like I said, ancient language. Anyways, about the calls. At first it was just some A-rab-sounding guy asking for airline schedules, directions to the White House, and like that. I didn't think much of it, so I e-mailed the stuff to him. Then I noticed on the caller ID it was Osama, and I quit sending him stuff, and I told him not to call me anymore. Well, he did keep calling, but he changed his voice and said he was Gabriel, you know, the Archangel. Well, I didn't fall for that.

You didn't believe the Archangel was calling you on the phone?

Bush: I didn't believe Osama was the Archangel. Gabriel doesn't have that kind of accent, and he only calls on the cell phone.

I see. How about documents? Did you receive a report that suggested Al Qaeda was planning to hijack airliners for terrorist attacks?

(Bush looks at Cheney, who shakes his head)

Bush: Nope.

You didn't receive a copy of this document? (shows Bush a document)

(Bush looks at Cheney, who shrugs and nods)

Bush: I think I seen that one.

Cheney: You have to understand, gentlemen, government agencies see myriad reports and intelligence-related data every day. They have to determine which, if any, of those pieces of information may be pertinent to the president, then the president, who also processes a mind-numbing amount of information, must determine whether that information warrants further attention.

What does that mean? Did you see the report or not?

Bush: We don't chew our cabbage twice. Not that it matters. I get gassy from cabbage no matter how many times I chew it -- or even if I swallow it whole, for that matter. Cooked or uncooked, it just don't agree with me.

Based upon the intelligence information you received , did you change the country's level of alert or preparation at any time?

Bush: Let me tell you something that's alerting. It's alerting that we pulled Saddam out of a hole in the ground, making the world safe from evil, but the press and a bunch of peaceniks still want to make out like I did something wrong. I'm alerted by that. My sense of patriotic is alerted … alarmed … aloof. Saddam was evil. He was an evil regimer, and now the people of Iraq are free, and the rest of us are free to drive SUVs and go to ballgames and the other American freedoms.

What does that have to do with 9/11?

Bush: If you can't see the connection, you're either an athiest or you don't believe in God. Terrorism is evil whether it's Osama doing it or Saddam doing it or the mailman. Not that a mailman would do that -- not an American mailman. We had, when I was a kid, a good mailman. He was a good man. He brought the mail … except on Sunday, but no mailman does that, so you can't blame that on him. He was Mike. Mike the mailman. Some mailmen are women.

Cheney: I think we've covered a lot of ground here, today. If you people have any other questions, you can submit them in writing. The president is a busy man, and we've got a country to run.

You haven't answered a

single question.

Bush: We answered all your questions, and a lot of others, too. I've got questions, but you don't see me showing up at other people's Oval Offices and asking them a bunch of poppyclap and boulderdrivel. I have questions about things like evildoers and bad-minded lunatics, and why nobody thanks me when I rid the earth of them. You don't see me asking you about that.

(Cheney ushers the committee out of the office.)

Bush: I think that went well. It's all a misunderestimation of the facts. We just have to cut through the cheese now and then to get everyone on the sane page.

Cheney: Yes, sir. Now if you'll pull out your blue mat, I think it's well past nap time.

Frank Ameduri not only talks to horseflies, he also carpools with an invisible friend. He's strange, but responsible.